I am Not a Movie Star

I am not in my twenties...not in my thirties or forties...and I am not a movie star.  I am a woman who feels twenty, with thirty years of experience.  I look in the mirror and see wrinkles..I wish sometimes they weren't there.. but they are.  I get upset that every picture of me lately has two chins...what is with that?

Oh no, another double chin picture!

I will watch the Oscar's Red Carpet tonight dreaming of what I would wear if I were to be part of the Oscars.  But the truth is, I will probably never be part of anything like the Oscars, and I will never have to worry about walking down the red carpet.
But......
I would love to be twenty again knowing what I know now.  To do it all over again...to love when I didn't, to be there when I wasn't, to say "I love you" when I forgot.
I think that is why I had to run again.  I had to get something back that was so important to me.  There are so many things that we cannot change, even though we want desperately to got back and do it over.  There are rarely any second chances.  Tom and I had a second chance and we grabbed it...living it to the fullest of our ability.
I congratulate the winners of tonight's Academy Awards, but I feel so removed from Hollywood.  I am glad that I am not glued to being twenty forever..that I can move forward and take pride in my wrinkles and my double chin.  I can live life to the fullest comfortable with who I am, without worrying about how the public views me. 
I am a daughter, a mother, a grammie, a friend, an aunt, a social work supervisor and a runner...I am a person who looks forward to the life I have left, living it to the fullest!

My grandson Alex, the "Hockey Player", he is the joy of my life!

My Mother Never Ran

My mother as a young woman in the 1930's

I go to see my mother and she sometimes knows me.  Most times we talk about "Noel" her daughter who comes to see her and takes care of her.  She says that Noel doesn't need to do her laundry and that she worries about Noel's finances.  I, of course, am "Noel", but my mother doesn't always recognise me as the person she is talking about.

My relationship with my mother has gone through so many stages.  Let's see, there was the "little girl" stage:

My mother baked a cake for my 4th Birthday...I loved my mother's cakes!!!

I entered school, Califon Elementary School, and my mother was my Kindergarten teacher:

I am 4th from the left in the second row (only 2 rows) and my mom is standing in the back right corner.

Time went by and I surprisingly finished high school, not the best student!  Then I met Thomas Michael Brown and we married for the first time:

On the day Tom and I were married for the first time, mom wore her wig.  We argued over this wig that had grey hairs in it (my mother did not have any natural grey hairs at this time in her life)I did not want her to wear it.  She wanted to wear it because she "loved" grey hair and liked how it looked on her.

Then I went to college, graduating Summa Cum Laude from Keane University.  I was accepted into Columbia University's MSW program and Fordham University's MSW program, both Advanced Standing.  My mother was opposed to a "woman" getting a graduate degree and refused to help me financially.  I could not afford Columbia, even with financial support.  I reluctantly went to Fordham, graduating with Honors.  I wanted to take a Fellowship at Columbia for my DSW, but decided against it since my mother vigorously protested.

I joined a running club while at Kean and my passion for running began.  At first my mother was skeptical, but as family members and friends took interest, she expressed her pride at my accomplishments.  She even went to watch me run 5k's, cheering me on!

When my father was dying he told me he wished I had gone on for my Doctorate; I wish I had too.  Why my mother's voice rang so loud in my mind is a mystery to me, but I am responsible for the decisions I have made.

Mom and dad were the perfect grandparents.  They cared for Tommy when I needed help.  And they showered affection on Stephen and Alison. 

Mom took care of dad when he was dying.  I was there to help take care of him too.  Tommy was a teenager, but he provided personal care for his grandfather.  We were family, and it is important to take care of your family.

Dad after his stroke, the last Christmas we would spend with him.  The sun rose and set on my daddy!



The following Christmas dad was gone, but we are family and we never forget those who have left us!  Mom is third from the left and I am on the far right ( in my sparkly QVC sweater).



My mother is in a nursing home now, a wonderful nursing home called Country Arch Care Center. She has wonderful, compassionate people caring for her. My husband and I took care of her in her home, with help from Sally, Sharon, Shirley and daughter Alison for over 2 years. After my husband passed away, I continued caring for mom with the help of Alison and Sharon. Mom suffered a second stroke six months after Tom died. I wanted to take care of her, but it was impossible to find the nursing help I would need since I was still working.  I thought if I could sell one of the properties mom owned, that I would be able to make much needed repairs/modifications to the house, take an early retirement and bring her home.  I still am trying to sell the lot and continue to dream about being able to bring her safely home.  Meanwhile, she is well-cared for at Country Arch.  I love her so much and wish that she would always know that I am the "Noel" she talks to me about; her daughter.  We haven't always seen eye to eye, but we are more alike than we are different.  I am grateful that she is my mother!

I love you mom!



Zensah Giveaway!

Marcia has a new Giveaway, this one is for a Zensah sports bra! 

http://teamarcia-runningmouth.blogspot.com/2011/02/zensah-review-and-giveaway.html

Money, Money, Money.......$....

I started this blog with the idea that I would keep a record of my goal of running again after almost 30 years.  I have accomplished my initial goal of running 30 minutes straight; I now run over an hour without stopping. 

For 2011 I am committed to running a 5K in March, a Half Marathon in May, the Warrior Dash in June and a Marathon in November. 

I follow many running blogs, all make me laugh, are inspirational and have great ideas.  None have thousands of followers and I suspect they don't make thousands of dollars on their Blogs a month.

There was an article in the New York Times about some Bloggers that apparently make quite a bit of $ a month:

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/02/23/queens-of-the-mom-blog-kingdom/?scp=1&sq=mom%20blogs&st=cse

It is nice that people reap financial rewards, but if you are passionate about what you Blog, then I think $ should not be your first consideration.  I read Blogs that inspire me to be a better runner, a better person...I do not care what ads they have or what "give-a-ways" they sponsor..if they sponsor one and I love the Blog, I will promote that "give-a-way".  I do not believe any Blog I promote is primarily interested in making $.  I believe they want to reach out to other runners and share their goals and experiences; they hope to inspire. 

If I inspired even one person to run, then my Blog has been worthwhile and I am satisfied.  I think running is contagious...once you start you cannot stop.  Hopefully many people will catch the "running fever"!  It is really good for your health!

I am a Civil Servant!

I am a Civil Servant employee of the State of New Jersey.  When I started 30 years a go I was a Social Worker I at a Development Center.  Over the years I went from a Social Worker at the Developmental Center to a Social Worker at Adult Training Centers, to a Case Manager monitoring individuals placed in group homes, skills homes, etc. to a Case Management Supervisor.  I love my work..it is incredibly rewarding!  I wouldn't change the past 30 years for anything!

But 30 years ago I was required to sign up for a pension plan..I dutifully signed up and contributed to this plan.  I wanted to brake out on my own and get a 401K plan, but I was not able to do this since I was obligated to be part of the state of NJ pension plan.  I was robbed of my chance to orchestrate my own retirement plan.  Now that I am approaching retirement age I am being painted as a "pampered state employee" who has been given too many perks.

Well,..I have worked diligently for the state of NJ..I have worked hundreds of times through my lunch hours..never taking my Union negotiated two 15 minute brakes..so I could get my job done!  I am dedicated and believe that I, and many others, have made a difference in many people's lives, in spite of minimum funding.  We care deeply about the individuals and families we serve...people who would be without anything if it weren't for our efforts.

I have given my all over the past 30 years, I have contributed to my pension plan, while the "elected officials" have declined to make their obligated contribution.  Now I am being blamed for their short-coming.  I will not sit still for this.  I want what is due me...I have been a dedicated employee...I deserve my pension!  I think the politicians...even if they are newly elected, should forfeit their salaries for the pension fund, after all they and their predecessors are responsible for the short-fall with the pension fund.

Shame on you the Governor of Wisconsin!  May the people take back their state...if your were to run for governor today, you would not be elected! 

And shame on you Chris Christie, how dare you target the soul of New Jersey..the public servants like me...we have dedicated our lives to serving the people of the state of NJ...and we have accomplished so much in the face of limited funding, limited resources.

Thank goodness I have my running to help ward off my aggravation.  Governor Christie, by the looks of him, would be better if he took up a good, consistent exercise regiment too.  Lazy men make lazy decisions...President Obama is a man who takes care of himself...a man who cares deeply about people, he is not a lazy man...Chris Christie could learn a lot from President Obama!

The A,B,C's of Me!

I ran my 8 miles on the treadmill this morning...the wind was wicked, making it feel way too cold outside!   I felt awesome after my run even if my legs were quite sore! 

I cannot wait for Spring!   I just want the ice and snow to melt off the trails so I can run there again!

I enjoy reading Kim's Blog: http://23imaginaryfriends.blogspot.com/2011/02/abcs-of-me.html  "(Just) Trying is for Little Girls".  She did an "A,B,C's of Me" , and encouraged others to do the same.

So, here are the "A,B,C's of Me":

(A) Age: As my friend Andini tells his preschoolers, "I'm older than dirt!".



(B) Bed Size: Full


(C) Chore You Hate: Housework


(D) Dogs? Five


(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Running and coffee!


(F) Favorite Color: Lilac

(G) Gold or Silver? White Gold.


(H) Height: 5'4"


(I) Instruments You Play: A little piano and clarinet and french horn way back when.....


(J) Job Title: Case Management Area Supervisor.


(K) Kids: I have three wonderful children: Tommy who would be 36 (passed away in 2005), Steve 28 and Alison 27.  I also have a beautiful grandson named Alex, age 5.


(L) Live: New Jersey


(M) Mom's Name: Carol...Carol is also my middle name.

My mother, Carol Jean, as a young girl in the early 1930's

(N) Nicknames: Babe (my father always called me Babe) and Leon (Noel spelled backward).

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Once when I was 12 for a broken wrist and then 3 more times for my children's births.


(P) Pet Peeve: Reckless drivers who not only put their lives in danger but the lives of all people on the road!


(Q) Quote from a Movie: "Do not look at the world through your head; look at it through your heart." Ketut, "Eat, Pray, Love"



(R) Right or Left Handed? Right


(S) Siblings: "sigh"


(T) Time You Wake Up? 5:30-6:00 am.


(U) Underwear: Big, grammie pants.


(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I love veggies!


(W) What Makes You Run Late: I can run anytime!


(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Way too many!


(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Steamed veggies, black rice and "fish of the day". 

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Elephant

Trunk up means "Good Luck"!

That was fun! Maybe you would enjoy doing your own "A,B,C's of Me'!



Queasy Dreams

Yesterday my best friend since childhood, Carole and I met at the Columbia Trail for a short walk and dinner at Circa in High Bridge.  The food was incredible and so was the half of desert...a scrumptious chocolate cake smothered in a thick chocolate icing......yummy....and very fattening!

Carole suffered an Achilles Tendon injury and had to temporarily stop her half-marathon training.  She is going to be running again soon!

 Carole and I (right to left) in our 6th grade class picture, Califon Elementary School. 

I had a terrible sleep last night.  I woke up feeling exhausted and nauseous.  I thought it was the rich chocolate cake...after all I haven't had such a delectable desert since I had one of Tommy's home-made chocolate cakes!  I went to work this morning, but left early because I felt so queasy!  I went home and tried to rest...but I couldn't forget the dream I had last night.

Maybe it was related to parts of the world where they are risking anything for their freedom...freedom from oppression.  Maybe it was a residual affect from the holidays and Tommy's birthday...difficult times for me.  But my dream was so realistic...I was running from an unknown villain.  I had little Tommy in my arms, frantically trying to escape to safety.  Tommy hugged me with his little arms and hands; his eyes closed as though he was sound asleep and unaware of the terror that pursued us.  I ran as fast as I could down the dark streets of Califon, the roads were wet and dark.  I woke up in the middle of the dream never knowing if I was successful in out-running my "enemy"; the one who would take my precious son from me. 

I got out of bed and slowly made my way into the kitchen...I felt heavy..I felt so sad.  I managed to get myself dressed and to my office, but the heaviness did not leave me.  I felt queasy and unsettled...and hence headed home.

I realized that I can't out-run losing Tommy, he is gone from this life.  I know in my heart I will see him again, but I miss him so much. 

I have choices, I can curl up and drop out of life or I can continue to propel myself ahead, setting goals and working to achieve them.  I am determined to live this life to the fullest.  I know now that I will have moments where I am discouraged, but they are brief and only serve to remind me of how important it is to focus on my goals.

My goals include running the St. Luke's Half Marathon in May, the Warrior Dash in June and the NYC Marathon for Fred's Team in November.  Maybe the dream was telling me that I can overcome the pain, the devastation of losing Tommy by letting go of my fears.  Like my fear that I may not be able to finish a half or full marathon.  I imagine many people have that fear when they are about to  enter a long distance race for the first time.  But that race will only be a daydream unless I "try", and  I don't want to live with it just being a daydream.

Skinny Girls Giveaway!

Another fun giveaway...a Yoga Booty Ballet DVD or a small Champion technical tank. 

Since I love giveaways I thought I would share this one with you, plus "(Just) Trying is For Little Girls" is a wonderful Blog.  Here is the link: http://23imaginaryfriends.blogspot.com/2011/02/pay-it-forward-giveaway.html

So, if you enter, I hope you win!

Giveaways are Fun!!

I am so happy that I won Marcia's http://www.annefranklindesigns.com/ giveaway!  I picked Anne's Endurance Sports design "26.2" necklace.


I made a decision to run the St Luke's Half-Marathon on May1, 2011:  http://www.lehighvalleyhalfmarathon.com/half_marathon.html .  I am really happy that I made this decision because the race goes through the Allentown, Pennsylvania Parkway...the trails I walked for many years.  My friend Cheryl is running too..but I think she will be running much faster than me!  They have opened up 100 more spots to benefit the recent victims of the recent gas explosion in Allentown.


Marcia has a new giveaway, one that not only is attractive for women, but for men...a "manly giveaway":
http://teamarcia-runningmouth.blogspot.com/2011/02/manly-studly-giveaway-for-all.html.


Whatever exercise you choose, enjoy!  You will feel stronger, healthier and in charge of your life!  I also hope if you enter Marcia's giveaway that you win!

What to do...?

I withdrew from the NYC Half Marathon 2011 because of problems with my hip.  I am hoping to be able to run the NYC Marathon for Fred's Team.  If I don't run the NYC Marathon, then I will run the NYC Half Marathon for Fred's Team in 2012.

I planned on running the River Towns Marathon in May, but I don't know if I will be ready.  I have been thinking of switching to the Half Marathon.

Then there is the St Luke's Half Marathon in Pennsylvania in May; entries are closed except for the charity "My Supporting Our Neighbors During Tragedy".  My friend Cheryl is registered for the St Luke's Half Marathon, I am sure she will run much faster than me!  I am thinking about entering and showing my support for my neighbors, even if I finish last!

I am keeping up with my training schedule on the treadmill, but I need to get outside and be able to safely run.  I have to say that I find running out side much more enjoyable and much easier than running on a treadmill.  My pace is faster running outside!  So every run I finish on the treadmill is essentially keeping my time slower.  I need to get back outside; but without the ice and snow.  Running on the roads where I am is just not safe! The weather reports indicate warmer weather is coming my way so I look forward to getting back out there!

I want to schedule some races..should I do more 5Ks, half marathons?   Any advice from seasoned runners is welcomed!

Oh, to run on a trail without ice or snow...paradise!!!!!!

Jog in the Snow!

Today was a balmy 40 degrees.....yahoo!  I couldn't wait to get outside!  

First I went to Vorhees State Park, the entrance was not blocked off by cones for the first time in a week.  However, the road was ice covered and looked down right dangerous!

I then went to the Columbian Trail.  I parked in High Bridge and started my jog on the Columbian Trail.  The path was clear at first, but soon turned completely snow covered.  The snow was thick and kinda mushy!  I trudged on, first walking then going back into a little jog.  I felt so happy finally being back on the trail I love!  I stopped to look at the Lake Solitude Falls...just beautiful!!

Then I plowed on wishing it were Spring.  I went around a curve and peered down at the chicken coop.  I was happy to see the chickens are surviving this wicked winter!

 A little further was a view of the Raritan river; it looked lovely framed by ice and snow.

I turned around to look for foot prints to follow on my way back to my car. 



Maybe it is still winter...a cold, snowy winter...but today did bring a hint of spring!  It was a glorious day for a jog in the snow!

I am not a "senior citizen"!

Yesterday was my son Tommy's birthday.  It is a sad day for me; he passed away six years ago.  He was my first born; a brilliant child. 

Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen, believe me I know.  I have  been in several car accidents where I suffered painful injuries, hospitalized for illnesses, lived with a family member diagnosed with severe mental illnesses and cared for two family members who passed after a prolonged terminal illness...losing a child is the most painful experience I have ever endured.  One never recovers from the loss of a child.

For the past six years I have observed Tommy's birthday by going to the movies; something we always did.  Yesterday, I stood in line at the movie theatre among a bunch of  what I considered "old people" ordering "senior tickets".  When it was my turn to order a ticket I said "one for The King's Speech".  The kid ( couldn't be under 17 years old) punched out a ticket...a "senior ticket"!  I was so upset, but didn't want to draw attention to myself so I said nothing.  Now I think that I should have said something..I am not old enough to be a "senior"!  I hoped my lax in confronting "the kid" didn't equal stealing from the the theatre.

No, I did not steal.  The "kid" should have asked me if it was a "senior ticket". 

I feel so sad that I looked that old.  Do I always look that old, or did I look that old because I was crying all night?  No matter what, I felt doubly sad. 

Today I was determined to get back on track.  I ran 7 miles on the treadmill, running slowly so my hip would not rebel.  This week I ran 20:44 miles pain free! 

I am not 25 years old, but I am not 60 years old either!  I have regrets..the most being withdrawing from Columbia University and enrolling at Fordham.  Not that Fordham is bad, but Columbia is much better.  I should have ignored the minimal negatives at the time and forged ahead.  I deserved Columbia; I was an "ace" student!


                                           
                                                      Columbia University

I reject "senior" status...I am a "ace" no matter what..age does not define me.  Yes, I cannot slow time, but

I can continue to pursue those things that are important to me.  Age is a number and it will not force limitations on me!  No one should ever accept limitations imposed from the outside.  We are capable of so much, no matter what age we are...believe in yourself, you can achieve all your dreams; just believe!

POST NOTE:  I went to the same movie theatre with my son Steve on 2/13/11 and they did not give me a senior ticket..so I guess the guy must have hit the "senior" button because everyone around me was a "senior"...I feel better now!

Snow Day Give A Way From Marcia!

Beautiful and fun jewelry from Ann Franklin Designs!  Win one from Marcia at her blog "Running Off At at the Mouth":

http://teamarcia-runningmouth.blogspot.com/

Hope you win!!

Happy Birthday Tommy!

I wrote a post on Tuesday that originally included a paragraph about my son Tommy. His birthday is February 4th. Six years ago Tommy and I had our second argument (yes, we only ever had 2 arguments). It concerned the car he was driving when he died; enough said.

I have a great son named Thomas Alexander Brown. He was born during a snow storm on February 4, 1974. My husband Tom and I almost lost him at birth, but he survived and grew to be a handsome guy. I made many mistakes and I wish I could go back and do it all over again; but there are no second chances.  Tommy passed away in 2005.

Tommy had a really rough period in his late teens, but he paid his dues and grew to be a wonderful young man.

I wanted to tell you some things about him; things that not many people know:

1. Tommy was an amazing multi-tasker. He was restoring a truck from the 1970's, refurbishing several DVD players and record players, refinishing furniture, fixing my mountain bike and embarking on a strict dog training regimen for his little dog Bubbie Bear at the time of his death. He taught himself to do all those things. He excelled in whatever he embarked upon.      
2. Tommy was a great cook. He could make wicked scalloped oysters to an amazing yankee pot roast.      
3. Tommy was the most wonderful baker. He made delicious breads and chocolate cake that would just melt in your mouth. 
4. I know I have written about this in the past, but Tommy was tested by the Child Study Team for the North Hunterdon-Vorhees School District and they found that he had an above genius IQ. He was incredibly smart, but so was his dad. They both could add, multiply and divide large numbers in their heads.  I'm lost without a calculator.
5. Tommy saved animals. He saved baby bunnies, baby birds, a turtle and a box of kittens from certain death. It was through Tommy that I found there were wild life specialists that nursed orphaned/injured animals to heath. I even got to know a few of them personally! 
6. Tommy looked like a lighter-haired Keanu Reeves. His sister Alison's friends all called him "keanu". After Tommy died I watched one of Keanu's movies; I had to turn it off because it made me miss Tommy so much. I never noticed it before Tommy died, but he had a similar build, walk and mannerisms as Keanu. I still can't watch Keanu's movies. 
7. Many people know that Tommy took care of my mother, but only a few know that he also took care of my dad. Tommy assisted mom and I (and Mary) taking care of dad when he was terminally ill. Tommy helped lift dad and provided personal care for him. He was only a teenager at the time. Dad passed when Tommy was only 16 years old.  
8. Tommy was completely devoted to mom; he deeply loved his "Nana". 
9. Tommy took on the role of brother and father for his brother Steve and sister Alison. He was devoted to them and he was their best friend. Sometimes they were angry with him because he demanded cooperation. Steve wasn't happy when Tommy made him clean up his room and Alison was upset when Tommy took the car away because she didn't meet her curfew. He was at times a much better "parent" than I was. 
10. Tommy was always there to fix what was broken, to heal what was injured. He was constant in his love. 
11. Tommy was a published author at age 12.
12. Tommy never used foul language with me; he never was disrespectful, never talked back.    
13. Tommy spent the last weekend of his life cleaning off the gravestones of his great grandparents and great-great grandparents. He always had such respect for those who have passed. I try to follow in his foot-steps and make sure there are flowers and grave blankets...because love never dies.  

There are so many other things I could say about him; the list goes on and on. He was the best and I was so blessed to have had him in my life for 31 years. He was a far better son than I was a mother. I love him and I miss him.

Happy Birthday to you Tommy!

 

 Tommy and his beloved cat Lilly

Winter Blues

It is another snowy, icy day in New Jersey.  I stayed home from work and longed for warmer weather.  I wanted the ice and snow to go away so that I could have a day off work doing the things I love to do...like running outside....or riding my mountain bike on the Columbian Trail....or hiking in the woods.  It seemed such a shame to waste my "time" on a day like today.

No, not this...............

 

......this!  Ahhh, sunny and warm!

Early this afternoon I reluctantly began my scheduled run on the treadmill. I started off thinking I will only run 2 miles...then I thought I will run 3miles..then, well I forgot that I hated the treadmill and stopped thinking about mileage. I began to visualize running on the Columbian Trail on a warm, sunny day. The 2.5 mile mark just before the railroad bridge where I turn around...then my 3.5 mile mark just before the little bridge...the 4 1/2 mile maker at the chicken-coop. I was running my familiar route! If the weather outside is frightful, then I can still "delightfully" run inside...what a fun way to brush off my "winter blues"!