Children

My family home in 1960, right after we moved in.  The 1957 Chevy station wagon is on the left in the garage and the 1959 VW is on the right.

I am so overwhelmed with my mother's end of life care; I want her to leave this life peacefully and without any pain.  She is so fragile and needs constant care.  I do trust she is receiving the best care even though I found her one morning in a condition that should never, ever happen.  I trust it will never happen again...I will be watching to make sure!


Since going to Califon 5 years ago with my late husband to care for my mom after she suffered a stroke, I realized I am truly my mother's daughter.  I have  facial expressions like her and I sing around the house...I even sing answers to my grandson Alex like my mom sang to my children (and to me).  People immediately recognize me as my mother's daughter (people immediately recognized me as my dad's daughter..I think I look more like my dad except for my eyes..I have my mother's eyes). 


My son Tommy was wonderful.  He was always coming over to take care of something.  He was such a joy to have around; his dry sense of humor was unmatched. He loved his family and did all he could to keep us together, especially at holiday times.  He worried about all of us and was there when we were in need.  He was a great blessing....and a loss from which we will never recover in this life.


My daughter Alison and son Steve have always tried to be there. They have given their time and energy to help with some overwhelming tasks at mom's house.  Steve has been putting up a new ceiling in the breezeway and helping with clearing up the numerous fallen branches outside.  There is so much to be done.


I love my family home and wish there was some way of keeping it, but the situation is complicated.  Maybe someday I will be able to find a small country house that will be just the right fit for me.


Meanwhile, I keep my vigil for my mother and I pray for her peaceful passing.  I will miss her more than she will ever know!  I always looked to my parents to be my comfort..now I know I am the one to comfort them.  It is the circle of life...the way it should be!

Running When I Can!!

I am still running, but not at the same level.  This week so far I have run 4 1/4 miles and I have biked 24.25 miles.  I am planning on running 4 miles tomorrow making my weekly total 8 1/2 miles.  I also plan on adding another 6 biking miles, for a total of 30.25 miles.

Today, according to the hospice nurse, my mother is "still hanging in there"...I guess that means she is not dead yet.  I am not completely happy with this hospice the nursing home "likes" so much.  They were suppose to give me at least weekly updates..I finally got my first "update" today after two weeks and leaving several messages.

I go and see my mother at various times..often I am there early in the morning.  I arrived early..8am..yesterday morning to find my mother in bed, smelling of urine and feces...her lips were dry and peeled, her eyes dry and contracted.  I looked around for an aide, but was told the hospice aide was to care for my mother.  The hospice aide arrived at 8:20am and said the usual aide could not make it because the usual aide was on vacation and she was a replacement.  I did not want to get upset in front of my mother because she does still have hearing. I pointed out my mother's condition calmly and thoroughly..even though I wanted to scream!

This morning, after a night of little sleep because I was worried about my mom, I went to the nursing home even earlier than yesterday and I was relieved to find my mother had been given attention to her oral care and her eyes had been given drops so they were well hydrated.  She was clean and appeared comfortable.  I give the aides at the nursing home credit for this..not the hospice aides. 

I will continue to keep a close eye on my mother's care.  She is at the end of her life and she deserves the very best care..any less is criminal! 

I will not accept anything but the best. That is why I chose Country Arch Care Center because they had the best reputation; they have provided exceptional care to my mother.  But this hospice the owners of Country Arch recommended..is questionable. 

I will be watching!

Time...

My mother is so very close to death.  I want to be with her all the time, but it is not feasible.  I need to work to pay my bills, plus most of her bills.  No one is able to help me with this financial burden so I have to work.  I do not have a lot of time to take off from work; I am with her as often as I can.

I do bike and run when I can..it keeps me from going completely bonkers.

My dad passed 21 years ago and it took me a long time to stop crying constantly over his loss (I still cry sometimes because I miss him so much). 

Tommy passed 6 years ago and I will never stop crying..he was my first born...my precious son!

Tom, my husband, passed 3 years ago..I miss him and I feel so angry that he is not here with me now.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to have the next 30+ years together.  But I am grateful for the time we had...so grateful!

I was so inspired by Steve Job's commencement address at Stanford University class of 2005:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other
people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out
your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow
your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want
to become. Everything else is secondary."

 
I do not want to listen to the negative thoughts or comments directed at me.  I may have 30+ years or minutes left of my life.  It is up to me to make the most of that time.  What others think may be a help or may be a "put down".  I refuse to listen to those who would reign me in...keep me isolated.  I plan on living the rest of the life I have been given to the fullest..to the happiest..to the most productive..to the most joyful and creative!  I do not have time for negativity!

I love you my wonderful mom...you lived your life to the fullest and I intend to live my life the same!

REQUESTING THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

I am asking for prayers for my mother.  She is on hospice care; she is dying.  She is in the end stages of dementia..unable to take care of any of her basic needs.  She is no longer eating...the end is near.  We love her so very much and pray for a peaceful, painless passing.  I am hoping that people will keep her in their thoughts and their prayers.

My wonderful adorable mother, taken a few months ago!  I love her so very much!



Still Here

I am still here even if I haven't written a post for a while.  I am still running, but I have put training on hold for a while.

I have written about my mother.  She is a sweet, lovely 91 year old retired kindergarten and music teacher.  She was the Organist and Choir Director for the Califon United Methodist Church in New Jersey for 50 years.  She was a wonderful mother, awesome grandmother and very special great-grandmother.  She has so many friends, co-workers, family and former students who love her.  One of my friends Jimmy, who also was her student, wrote:  "Your Mother was a mom to all of us who were lucky enough to have been guided by her in our early lives. My thoughts and prayers will be with her forever and I only wish I could do more."

My mother is now unable to ambulate without assistance, unable to dress without assistance, unable to bathe without assistance, is incontinent, has no meaningful verbal communication, has suffered from aspiration pneumonia and UTIs numerous times in the past 6 months and has stage 3 decubitus ulcers.  She qualified for hospice care.  She began hospice care this week and is not expected to survive much longer.

She is bedridden and will sometimes open her eyes and try to focus on you when you speak to her.  It is not clear whether she recognizes you.  She must be hand fed and is eating most of her food and drinking her liquids;that is a good sign!

I love my mother so very much and this is a very difficult time for me.  I lost my son only 6 years ago and my husband 3 years ago.  Because of the dementia I know I have already "lost" my mom, but it doesn't make this any easier.  I want her to pass peacefully without any pain.  She will be in the best company when she does leave this life.  I will miss her more than she could ever imagine.

My mother serves my birthday cake for my 4th birthday.

I will be back running and training again...not just for me but for my mom, Tom and Tommy.  I just need to take time to be with my mom as she leaves this life. 

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1978!

Hurricane Irene hit us with a vengeance.  The roof suffered the most with numerous shingles blown off by the strong winds!  I could not believe how much water leaked into the attic and down into the living room.  A few days after Irene we had drenching rains that sent even more water down from the roof into the attic and down through the living room ceiling, even though we tried to plug up any holes with roof tar. 

When the water started pouring in, I went up into the attic to save anything that was in harms way.  I frantically dragged boxes of cherished items out of the way.  When I thought all things of value were safe I looked over and saw a purple ribbon.  I picked it up and realized it was my participant ribbon from the very first race I ever entered.  It was from 1978....the Tow Path Run in eastern Pennsylvania.  I looked at the tag where I'd written "2.5 miles, 20 minutes".  Wow, I ran 8 minute miles that day!

It was funny because I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I was so afraid that I would be the slowest runner that I started in the back of the pack.  When the race began I could hardly move; the crowd of runners before me moved so slowly!  It took at least 1/4 mile before I could even take on a "jogging" pace.  It seemed like forever before I could get into my "running" mode. 

I remember being so disappointed with my time.  After all, I ran a 10 mile loop in less than 1 hour during my weekly runs.  I was in my early twenties and I had a lot of energy and endurance.  An 8 minute mile was a huge let-down!

I never made the same mistake again.  In subsequent races I positioned myself closer to the start line and my time improved!

I had to laugh though when I saw the ribbon...I would be so happy if I finished a race now with an 8 minute mile pace!  If I crack a 12 minute mile I am ecstatic! 

Grete Waitz, my hero from the 1970s!

LOVE!

There are so many things I love...I love my grandson Alex, my two sons Tommy (even if he is deceased he is still my son) and Steve, and my daughter Alison. I love my mom and the rest of my family. 

I love my work; I have such love and admiration for the people I work with.... they are awesome.

I love to run, walk, hike and ride my mountain bike.

I love the warm weather. 

I love the sun rise and sunset. 

I love the beautiful white tailed deer that come by every evening. 

I love the cute little humming birds that brighten the day all summer long.

I love the crazy squirrels and little chipmunks that come around several times a day.

Our resident chipmunk  "Mr Chippie".

I love the cardinals, blue jays, swallows, crows, blue birds and other birds that constantly visit  our bird feeders.

I love the stars in the summer sky and the sounds of summer insects.

There is so much to love in this incredible world! 

Life is truly wonderful!

Isn't love grand?