Missing you...

I ran at Vorhees State Park this morning, 2 minute walk and 10 minute run X 3, plus a 5 minute warm-up and a 5 minute cool-down. I was able to keep an easy pace, breathing was effortless. It was so beautiful, so peaceful in the park. I was in heaven. I thought of Tommy, as though he were running beside me, was his heaven as beautiful? I felt such freedom, as tough I had no worries, just complete joy in the moment.

I wrote letter to Tommy just after he died. I only shared it with Tom, my husband, Tommy's father. Today I felt I wanted to share it with you:

August 4, 2005

Dear Tommy,

I can’t remember the exact time I knew of your passing, maybe it was 9 o’clock in the evening. I do know it was a warm, quiet Saturday night, July 30, 2005. I was waiting to hear from you after you called me at 10:20 am that morning, you seemed so pre-occupied,you asked where Alison was and you asked about the title for the escort. You also asked me what I was doing...why didn’t you call back…why didn’t you tell me you needed a ride….why Tommy…why..?

I'd arrived home that evening from 5:00 o’clock Mass and was sad to see your car wasn’t in the driveway. Mass had been long because I had expected Fr Radocha to put something about the prayer group in the bulletin but he didn’t. I was upset about that. I remember looking at my watch…5:14 pm the reading of the Gospel…5:40 the Consecration…

I got home by 6:15 and when I saw you weren’t there I decided to go shopping at Giant, but when I got to Giant I didn’t feel like shopping…I was feeling so heavy....so sad..but didn’t know why. I went home with only a few groceries and put them away. I thought of calling you but then decided to go for a walk at the bike path, if you weren’t home by the time I was finished I thought I would give you a call. As I walked, I kept thinking of Keanu Reeves…Alison’s friends always called you Keanu because he looked so much like you…the way you moved…the way you smiled… I had these thoughts of how I must think of you when I see Keanu…I didn’t understand these thoughts. I had never thoughts like that before.

I love you Tommy, don’t you ever forget that…you are my boy.

You were not at the house when I got home from my walk. I made my frozen dinner, poured a glass of wine and picked out a DVD to watch. I chose Steel Magnolias (I thought that I could watch that movie and cry at the part where the daughter dies but feel so much better after the movie is over because I would know that my children were all safe and sound). Surprisingly I couldn’t get the DVD to work. The movie would start but then just freeze up…just stop. I tried and tried…it would start then I would sit back down and continue to eat my dinner only to have the movie stop again at the beginning when the gun fire goes off. I thought of calling you….that is when I heard the knock at the door.

Stephen answered the door…he said “Mom its a Police Officer and he wants to talk to you”. I walked the Policeman out the door…the dogs were barking and I didn’t want him inside (it was also too messy in the house). I remember him saying “you may not want me to talk to you about this outside” but I smiled and I told him it was okay. I looked at the little pencil pad he held in his left hand. It had your name, my name and the Ford Escort listed on it. I pointed to the pad and said “That is my car that I gave to my son Tommy…..I just need to get the new copy of the Title and we are transferring it to Tom…” The officer nodded and said there was a terrible accident involving that car. I expressed surprise and asked if you were okay…was there anyone hurt..? He said something about a fatality…a fatality…..I immediately thought of how terribly upset you would be to know that you were in an accident where someone was hurt…I asked about you. He was saying something over and over but it didn’t register…I was staring down the street…..the night had fallen and there were lights on at most of the houses. Children usually would be playing in the street after dark, but I don’t remember if there were any children in the street…I don’t remember anyone but that officer standing there…I finally heard the words he was repeating..…"a fatality, single car, single occupant”. I gasped for air…my head felt as though it was being squeezed in a vise…”not my Tommy” I said. The Officer stood silent as he nodded “yes” with his head. I tried to tell the officer that perhaps someone had borrowed the car…perhaps it was a car like Tom’s…he said it happened on Old Mill Road in Washington Township New Jersey…My mind was racing…no, I could not bear it….never to hear your voice..never to speak to you again…never to have you walk through the door…never to hug you and give you a kiss…no, no, no. I wanted to call your cell…Stephen came to the door. I must have been loud…Stephen had retreated to his room upstairs with the air conditioner on, at the back of the house after he opened the door when the officer first arrived…I must have been loud for him to hear me. I told Stephen..”this officer is trying to tell me Tommy is dead, that he had an accident”. The officer kept saying that we need to call the Washington Township police.

It was Stephen who called the police…then the coroner…I spoke to the coroner…she said you were driving towards Califon, you lost control of the car..you went sideways into a utility pole…she said you died instantly..there were two witnesses…you did not suffer…you did not suffer, but were you afraid…where are you…I couldn’t remember your cell…I couldn’t think of where I wrote your number…I cried out for you…I cried out and I felt such pain in my heart, in my soul…I was without comfort…I would be alone in this world without you Tommy…I never thought I would lose you…never, never. The accident happened at 5:14pm…you were pronounced dead at 5:40pm…they took you to Morristown Memorial Hospital. I would not be able to see you that night, but tomorrow morning I would need to sign for an autopsy…an autopsy….they will cut you open?…...an autopsy on my son..?

I called Alison. She was at her boyfriend Jared’s apartment. I asked her to come home because we needed to talk to her…..she kept asking why, but I didn’t want to tell her over the phone. Stephen took the phone from me and demanded that she come home right away, but she must have been refusing. I took the phone back and said ”Tommy has been in an accident…we will tell you about it when you get home”. She wanted to know if you were okay…she was becoming increasingly upset wanting to know if you were okay. I tried to get her to agree to come home to discuss it, but she wasn’t listening…so I told her the truth. She screamed and screamed. I told her the doctor said you didn’t suffer…..I told her what the doctor said. She said she would be right home.

I called Aunt Sue Ellen’s number, Al picked up the phone. I don’t remember who I told first…Al or Sue Ellen…I just remember how upset they were. Sue Ellen screamed…she screamed ”No!...No!....No!”. After a while she agreed to call Aunt Alma. They also said they would contact Erin and Eden. I don’t remember anything else..

I e-mailed Kathy and Marie asking for them to pray for you. A short time later Kathy called…she was crying …..she didn’t know what to say…what to do…She asked if I wanted her to call the Rectory and I said I would like her to do that. I told her I would be going to my mother’s house and that I needed to see the crash site.

It must have been after 9:00pm by the time I left the house. Alison went with me, but Stephen did not want to go. As we turned towards route 78 my cell phone rang. Alison answered the phone…..it was Fr Radocha. He wanted to express his sympathies and to let me know that they would be praying for you. He said they would ask for prayers during Mass for you.

It was such a long ride to Califon, so sad, so surreal. How could this have happened, how? I could not believe you were gone. The night was brilliantly clear…the stars just twinkled.

When we arrived in Califon, the Minister from the Califon Methodist Church was with mom; how would she cope without you? You were so close to her, you took care of her and loved her with all you heart.

As I found the spot where you died, Fr Scott called me. After I spoke with him, I walked around. I hugged the pole your car hit as I looked up at the moon; it was a beautiful night.

Last night I came home to Karen's letter and CD. Bob Fera's song, "Mother you can close your eyes and sleep tonight..because your boy is safe and warm...". I knew it was from you; letting me know you are in God's arms, and there are no better arms, "so safe and warm". I closed my eyes last night for the first time in 5 nights, but there was no rest.

We buried you today, exactly six months after you turned 31. We argued about the Ford Escort on your birthday. It had over 270,000 miles on it and I felt it was not safe. You wanted to fix it up;you did not want me to junk it. I gave in, but I told you I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you when you were driving the car. You died in that car Tommy. Would you have lived if I had junked the car? I don't know, but I do know that I will never be the same without you. You are my heart, my first born. I love you forever.

Love,
mommy

Picture perfect?

Yesterday I saw a picture of me that was posted on Facebook. I didn't recognize myself at first, and I was really taken back at how unhealthy I looked. I was so upset that such an "unattractive" picture made to such a "public" place.

<---Eww..there it is on the left! My arms look like ham hocks and my neck is ..well...its wrinkly! I apparently am eating...or about to make a profound statement...or using mouthwash...or....I don't know, what am I doing?

You know, a bad picture is really just a bad picture, but a good picture is better! I much prefer better pictures.

I have to admit I felt a little embarrassed and sad when I saw this picture, especially after how hard I have been working at getting healthy. My running has really improved and my weight has gone down almost 10 pounds since I started back in mid-February(averages 2-3 lbs a month, not bad). I have lost inches off my body and now have a waist, and a butt that doesn't look like a big triangle. As slow as my progress may seem to others, to me I have accomplished a lot. I owe it to my running program (and Sarah).

I know I am not "picture perfect", and I have a way to go yet, but the good part is that with each step I am closer to my goal. When I look in a mirror after one of my work-outs and see a sweaty, pink cheeked smiling lady, I think I look pretty darn good!

money, money, money....

Does it ever feel like life is never free of financial worries? Between my own bills and my mother's bills (which seem to grow bigger every minute) I am drowning. I keep waiting for a moment when my income can support both, but it never comes. I am drowning and I want so much to be rescued.

The reality is that I will never be "rescued". I, like many of my friends my age, are faced with the challenge of taking care of their aging parent(s). This involves handling all the legal paperwork (oodles and oodles of paperwork) and ensuring all the bills are paid. The bills pile up even though medically needy program says all my mother's income needs to go to the nursing home. But there are so many bills that have to be paid, especially her taxes. It is a nightmare at times. I do realize that everything will work out in time, but it is getting to that point that is frustrating.

The only part of my life right now that I feel I have control of is my First Strides running program. Work is so unpredictable, I never know what emergency will pop up next! At least I know that with running I have a set training schedule to follow, this week is was 2 slow minutes with 4 minutes fast, times five (with a 5 minute warm up and 5 minute cool down). I did the 3rd of my 4 workouts for the week this morning at Vorhees State Park and I feel like I am in total control! It was so beautiful, the sun was shining and the sky was so blue. Of course that may change Monday when I go back to work, but right now I am really feeling good about my progress. Tomorrow I will do my 4th workout for the week on the treadmill; I do not think I will have any problems completing the work-out.

Regardless of my worries, life has so much to offer. I am so very grateful for the good things in life, like partaking in an intelligent conversation, enjoying a good book or even running! Life is really good in spite of the challenges. There is a song about how "money makes the world go around", but that is not true. We make our world go around; we can choose to take control and live life to the fullest extent possible. I really like that!

Happy Mother's Day

I started writing a new post yesterday, but saved it in my "edit posts" page. I wanted to write about a difficult week that resulted in a new commitment to my running program, but today all I could think about was being a mother.
I have three wonderful children and they are the highlights of my life.
My son Stephen is a very funny, creative guy who has a very bright future.
I have a beautiful daughter who has already achieved more than most people in her short life. She continues to focus on her dreams, taking steps to achieve them.
Tommy was my first born; creative and brilliant, he left this life much too soon. Some years ago he showed up at my house on Mother's Day in Wilson, PA with a large box from Sears. Inside the box was a gas grill, something I always wanted. He worked feverishly to set up the grill and I cooked dinner on it. It was awesome! Tommy was always a giver, never expected anything in return. He once gave me a very precious angel statue on Mother's Day too. The angel graces the garden in Wilson. Just after Tommy died, one of my friends who had lost her young son, gave me a present. When I opened the present it was an angel statue. I gasped because I heard Tommy's voice in my head saying "remember mom, I give you angels", since then I have received numerous angel figures from many people.
Being a mother is probably the most important job you can have in life. It is definitely the most rewarding. To lose a child is excruciating, the depth of pain is something that cannot be described. All you want is to have God give them back, to please give them back now!
I have written about how I want to run again because of the memories I have of Tommy riding his bike alongside me and that is the main motivation, but it is also because I want to run because it is something I really love. I am not going to break "110 year old records", nor do I want to. I just want to be the best I can be, and I am grateful that I am alive and continue to have the ability to run. I am truly blessed.

Grateful

I started this week feeling like a truck had run me over. I was fighting a cold and the cold was winning. I felt really defeated, until I connected with a childhood friend on Facebook.

When I first came in contact with Facebook I didn't know what to make of it. Actually I couldn't figure out how to navigate the system, so I joined and promptly forgot about it. Slowly I have received "friend requests" and find myself in contact with so many people I love. One is a woman I have known all my life. I was humbled to find that she has battled a genetic lung disease for over 10 years. She now is on 26% lung function and has to use oxygen 24 hours a day. You would think she would be so discouraged, but she is the most upbeat person. She is grateful for each day she can get up out of bed. She loves life and lives it as fully as she can. And here I am complaining of a stupid cold! I am just in awe of her courage. She is truly an inspiration!

I did my work outs for the week, 3 minutes slow, 4 minutes fast time 4 with a 5 minute warm up and 5 minute cool down. I kept my pace in the timed mile (didn't do bad) and did not try to rush it in the first mile to get a higher time like some of the women; they went so fast in the beginning they couldn't run for the rest of the "hard" times.

I had a "pep" talk with Sarah and it really helped me. I know I am not 22 any more, but I am healthy and I am keeping up with the training program. I am doing okay, even if I had a "down" week. I made it through a tough time with a positive attitude; how could I not after realizing how very fortunate I am just to be able to run at all.

STRENGTH TO DREAM

I have not written as often as I have in the past. Lately life has been more complicated and as a result I have been very hard on myself. Work has been difficult; hence my decision to retire. I love my work, but sometimes working in my field is hard because it attracts people who have multiple issues and they play their issues out on the job. One of my Professors at Fordham warned me about this. But regardless of the actions of others around me, I have to be strong, be professional and always adhere to a high level of ethical standards.
When times are tough, I have always gained strength from the fact that I come from a long line of very strong women.
My mother was a Kindergarten, Music and Reading Teacher for over 30 years. She was also Choir Director and Organist for the Califon United Methodist Church for almost 50 years.
My Aunt Alma graduated from Douglas College in New Jersey in 1938 and had a successful career in public relations. Now in her early 90's she continues to be active in many groups(more active than most people my age!).
My beautiful Aunt Mamie was 80 years old when I was born. Her husband, Elston Beaty, was the first Mayor of Califon, New Jersey. She used to give me what I called my "lady lessons" where I was reminded to sit straight, use the proper silverware, use my napkin (instead of my shirt sleeve) and walk tall (practicing with a book on my head).
My second cousin, Elma Dineen, was Aunt Mamie's daughter. Cousin Elma was a Teacher and an Elementary School Principal in Plainfield, New Jersey during the first half of the 20th century.
My maternal grandmother was a graduate of Montclair College in NJ in the early 1900's and taught in a one room school in Middle Valley, New Jersey. All her grandchildren called her Nana. She was a warm, sweet and very funny lady. Active in the town of Califon, New Jersey, she served on the school board for many years. She also wrote a book called The Califon Story. I remember when she was writing the book because I spent many days at Nana's house after my mother returned to teaching elementary school. Nana would recite many of the stories in her book. My favorite was the story about the town drunk back in the early 1900's who arrived late to see the Circus. The Circus would pitch their tent right where my childhood home now stands in Califon. On that day the Circus bleachers were packed full so the drunk had a difficult time finding a seat. As he searched for a seat he made some rude comments out loud, much to the annoyance of the people in the crowd. As the drunk continued to meander loudly through the bleachers, the bleachers began to sway side to side. The crowd fell silent, seconds later the bleachers collapsed to the ground with a loud crash! There were no screams, no cries of pain, only a stunned silence, until the silence was broken by the drunk's voice exclaiming, "Now I can't see nothin!".
My dad was my sunrise and sunset, but my Nana was my heart and soul. I was so close to her; closer to her than anyone. She advocated for me to be able to reach my dream to be an artist. I dreamed of going to an art school in Brooklyn, NY and eventually traveling to Paris. I was young, but Nana understood a young girl's dreams. My parents, however, were opposed because they wanted me to go to a 4 year college, not an "art school", and have a "profitable" career. Nana died when I was 16 and I thought my dreams died along with her. I now realize that the dreams I had just got lost for a time. Those dreams are back, maybe I am not dreaming of being artist in Paris, but I have dreams, and I am going to reach for them!
Nana loved playing soft ball. My Aunt Alma told me once that she had to much of the house work as a child because her mother (my Nana) was too busy playing softball. I guess I view running the same way as my Nana viewed softball; I love it! If given a choice between housework and going out to run/walk, I would take the run/walk any day!
Maybe this past week hasn't been the best, but if I put it into perspective I can see I have a great deal of strength because of the love I received during my childhood. And I have such hope for the future because I see before me a new generation of strong, committed women as reflected in my beautiful daughter Alison and in my beautiful niece Erin.
I can run again; running is really only a part of me, but a part that has always been important because it gives me a tremendous feeling of accomplishment. I also am meeting some really inspiring ladies through First Strides. I am so impressed with their incredible determination! Life is really good! I just have to keep reminding myself of this when I hit these "down times'; dreams only come true for those who persevere.

AGE IS A 3 LETTER WORD

I have completed my First Strides work-outs for the week and feel like I am really accomplishing a lot! I run uphill at least half of the time and this is giving me more strength.

The "problems" return when I return to my daily routine as a Case Management Supervisor within a huge bureaucracy. I have been a "social worker" for almost 30 years, a "mommy" for over 35 years. Long ago I also thought of myself as a "runner", a good runner too. But life presented itself with challenges that prevented me from consistently pursuing my running. Now, time has changed and I am slowly getting back to where I want..no.. need to be. I made a decision and put in for early retirement; I just need to find a new path, new "career" so to speak within the next year, to take the place of working for a bureaucracy.

Today I found a picture that my father took of me standing next to a 4 year old Tommy following one of my runs. I look so young, so thin, so very happy. I want that back with the "young" replaced with "young at heart". I look in the mirror and see a woman well over the age of 25, but in my heart I feel younger than 25. As a result, I do feel I have a bright future!

I have met so many people in my career that have been given such obstacles; obstacles that I have never had to face. Yes, I have faced the loss of my precious Tommy and Tom, but I have my health. I am able to see, to walk, to talk and I have the use of my arms. I am so blessed and I am not going to waste what God has given me!