Yogurt..Yogi for short

Yogi

In the mist of trying to clean out my mother's home (while feeling the excruciating pain of losing her)  a cat showed up on the front porch.  He was skittish at first, running away from me when I tried to get near him.  I put food out for him on the porch and in the garage.  The weather was still very cold so at first he settled in the garage under a bunch of boxes I had tied together for recycling.  He would not come close enough for me to pet him for several weeks.  He was so frightened of any noises..any sudden movements. 

Several times I thought I was rescuing him from the trees, but eventually understood that he climbed trees to sleep, to be safe from the dangers below.  After time, he would see me, meow and walk down the tree limbs like they were a spiral staircase.  He did not need a rescue...he had found a way to survive by seeking solace in the highest limbs of a tree.

I have been taught a valuable lesson of survival from a precious kitty who is a great survivor.  He is not a feral cat; he is an abandoned cat.  At times he purrs so loudly and hangs so closely to me now that I feel he is my BFF!  He is loving, grateful, giving and devoted.  He has taught me that love overcomes everything...pain, loss, anxiety, loneliness...his purring is so healing.  A precious kitty...abandoned, unloved and neglected came to me and gave so much love that I now feel among the living again.  Initially I named him Yogurt (he looked like Mel Brook's character Yogurt from the movie Space Balls when I first saw him), but now I call him Yogi, which means "master of oneself".  Yogi is helping me to be the master of myself again.  Love you Yogi! You are so precious!

SleepyYogi

Panic Attack

My sister Sue Ellen and I outside our home on Easter circa 1964.

May 10th is the tentative date for closing on my family home. Fifty three years ago my parents brought the house on School Street they turned into our home.  I loved growing up in this home..in the wonderful and beautiful town of Califon, New Jersey.  My friends and I were never bored.  We had our baseball games, football games, and bikes that would take us through some of the most beautiful countryside in the world.  We had fun fishing and ice skating on the Raritan River.  I would want every child to be able to grow up in a town like Califon!

My family home holds not only memories but many, many boxes of mementos from 1959 until 2008.  I have gone through hundreds of boxes over the past few years thinking I was on top of things.  Well, a closer look at the attic this weekend revealed many boxes and bags in the far corners not visible without a flashlight.  I am overwhelmed with the amount of stuff my parents left behind.

I have some hard working days ahead of me to have this house cleaned out by May 10th. 

But I am most concerned about my emotional reaction because I am panicking.  I think about mom, dad, Tom and especially Tommy.  It was so hard for me to watch Tommy's things being carted away this weekend.  Mom's things are disappearing and my father's things are going too.  Tom's few belongings are going back with me to Pa.  I love them and miss them all so much that I feel I cannot breathe...my heart skips beats and I sense my mortality.  I have such empathy (that I wish I had back when it was needed) for what mom and dad went through when they lost their parents. 

Soon I will drive away from the house I considered my family home for 53 years..will I cry, will I become incapacitated or will I only be focused on the tasks that I must tackle at my house in Wilson Boro Pa?  I hope I will take inventory and say this is a new adventure.  In the end we cannot take any "things" with us.

There are new paths for me to travel, and more memories to make! 

Thank you Stephen, Alison, Tony, Sue, John, Patty and Carole for your help..I am so grateful!

Little "Bubbie" Bear

I have written about my beloved son Tommy who passed away 7 years ago.  He left behind many broken hearts.  But probably the one with the biggest broken heart was Tommy's Miniature Pinscher, Little "Bubbie" Bear.  Tommy and Bubbie were inseparable.

Bubbie was born 15 1/2 years ago. He was 8 weeks old when we purchased him from a local pet store.  We soon found out that he was a puppy mill puppy..almost sent him back..but his personality won our hearts!

Bubbie was big for a Miniature Pinscher..several inches too tall.  His size matched his exuberant personality. 

Not long before we bought Bubbie we acquired Chocolate "Chippie" Chip...another puppy mill puppy.  Chippie was small and so very sweet, he just wanted to curl up on a shoulder and sleep!  Bubbie, on the other hand, wanted to explore for any possible "chewy" item.  While our Chippie was docile and sweet, our Bubbie was adventurous and passionate.  They made an interesting couple!

We knew that Chippie and Bubbie probably inherited some health problems.  Chippie  was diagnosed with Diabetes before he was one..two insulin shots every day for the rest of his life. But Bubbie was seemingly very healthy...even super healthy!

Adorable Chippie passed away at 9 1/2 years of age, 4 1/2 years longer than the life expectancy our Vet gave us.  It was a devastating loss to us, but Bubbie lost his "brother".

Through out his life Bubbie was been fiercely loyal and devoted.  He spent much of his youth living in Easton, Pa.  At night Bubbie would sometimes refuse to come back inside the house. He loved to hide in the bushes..his feet pulsating in a loud pitter-pat.  He thought this was a really fun game.  One night before Christmas..many years ago..he escaped from the yard..we were frantic.  We searched the streets calling his name..I swear I heard the pitter-pat of his feet, but he would not come to us.  We alerted the authorities and the next day I got a call from the ASPCA..Bubbie was there and I needed $15.00 to bail him out.


Seven years ago after attending Saturday evening Mass I got an urgent message from Tommy.  He took Bubbie with him on a nature trail for a run.  Bubbie, who was off his leash, took off and didn't come back.  Tommy and Bubbie had gone on trail runs many times and Bubbie had never run off like that.  I called my son Steve and we rushed to Tommy's side.  For 6 days we searched for Bubbie.  Coyotes were rampant in the area and we feared for Bubbie's life.  On the 6th day I got a phone call from a farmer's wife..they found Bubbie curled up sound asleep next to their German Shepherd.  We were overjoyed!  Tommy immediately went to get Bubbie; we were so grateful that Bubbie still had his collar because it had our contact information on it.  Bubbie was noticeably thinner, but still as feisty as ever!

The past few years have been difficult for Bubbie.  He developed fatty tumors and began to show symptoms of Dementia.  He often didn't seem to know us and he would wander around as if he was lost.  He developed advance liver disease and often had problem keeping food down.  Two nights before he passed he had several disturbing incidents that turned out to be seizures.  He was suffering and there was no way he would get better.  It was time for Bubbie to go back to Tommy...back to his best-bud..running in the fields and sleeping under the stars. 

We love you Bub..we miss you.... you and Tommy will be in our hearts forever.  You are two stars in the sky and we will be together again, in time.

Tommy took this picture of Bubbie sleeping, rest in peace sweet Bubbie Bear!  We love you!

Why is Growing Old so Bad?

I watched Sunday Morning today on CBS.  The wonderful Patti Smith was interviewed by Anthony Mason.  I already loved her, but I love her even more because she made it clear she is proud of who she is today.  She is 65, not 25 and she wants to look her age.  I think she is beautiful, as beautiful as she was back in 1976.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-57407610/patti-smith-an-artist-never-at-rest/?tag=cbsnewsTwoColUpperPromoArea

There is a disturbing movement in this country, women seem to think they should remain "youthful" forever.  What is so wrong with growing old?

Jane Fonda, who always said she would age gracefully, had plastic surgery.  I see her as the eternal hypocrite!

Joan Rivers is the poster "old woman" of plastic surgery.  I love her sense of humor, but she has a really scary face!   Give me wrinkles please!

A couple days ago I read an article where the eternally beautiful Susan Sarandon said she would consider some type of surgery.   I love her beautiful face just the way it is!

Katherine Hepburn never had surgery but was an amazingly beautiful woman until she died.

Lauren Hutton is aging so beautifully..so gracefully!

My mother was a beautiful young woman.

And she was a beautiful  88 year old woman too!

I am with Patti..what is wrong with being 55, 60, 65, 70 or 100?  The numbers represent a long life full of many memories!  I say be proud of the numbers...life is a precious gift...the more years the greater the gift!  I am grateful for the many "gifts" I have been given!

Silent Violins

It has been almost 7 years since Tommy died, 4 years since Tom died and 5 months since mom died.  The silence in this house is a constant reminder of their passing. 


I go through their private belongings making the choice to keep, sell or throw them away.  It is time consuming and heart breaking.


I know I have to get through this, but I just want to run away to the end of the earth and never come back.  Every item I go through or have to throw out, sell or donate is a constant reminder of the loved one I have lost.


It is a two edged sword...I miss them desperately but I am so grateful that I had them in my life. 


My mother was a musician.  She played the piano, organ and violin.  She played in the New Jersey and Hunterdon County Symphonies where she was first chair First Violin.  Mom made beautiful music when she gently pressed the bow against the violin strings or pressed the piano/organ keys. She was far more gifted than she ever knew.


Mom kept her violins in her bedroom closet.  Tommy had one restrung for her, but she could not play it at the time because of an old injury.  We all longed to hear her play, but the beautiful restrung violin would remain silent. 


I long to hear my mother play...I long to hear my mother's voice, my son Tommy's voice and my husband Tom's voice, but there is only silence.

In the silence I remember so many special times.  I find myself smiling, my heart comforted.  I hear my mother playing in my memories..I hear Tommy's voice and see his impish smile.  I read the love note Tom has left in my car for me to find when I leave for work and I listen to his funny stories.  I have such wonderful memories.  The things they left behind may be silent but their memories are loud and clear.

                                                         My mother's silent violins.

Pennies From Heaven

I haven't written for a while.  I am working hard to get my family home cleaned out.  It is for sale and as a result my childhood is public....a big slice of my life is on display and I feel violated!

A week ago a young highly tattooed couple toured mom's home and when they saw the cat food bag they cringed and asked if we had a cat.  I said yes, my mother's cat named Beauregard.  The female wrinkled her face and told me she was allergic to cats.   Interesting because they were fine with the house and the two dogs until she saw the cat food.  I was stunned, my parent's home is very clean, it has a new roof, updated electric, new furnace and new ceiling in the "family room".  There are nice "old updates" (okay they are from the early 1970's) of the bathroom and kitchen. The kitchen and bathroom may need updating, but they are still nice.  Most of all the house is full of love and wonderful memories.  But a bag of cat food suddenly reduces my family home to nothing by a young insensitive narcissist who obviously doesn't know anything about quality, nor does she care?

When I had the new roof put on the workmen told me that while a lot of new homes look good, they are not made well.  They are having to replace roofs a lot earlier than they should and often need to replace the wood too.  My parent's home, they said, was built like a tank..they said that builders do not make homes like my parent's home anymore.  I think I would rather buy an old tank than something new that looks good on the outside, but is really made of "cardboard"!

I am going back to my home in Pennsylvania..much to do there.  I have to replace pipes for the bathroom, fix the bathroom and kitchen and paint the living room, dining room and bedrooms.  I asked myself if it was worth it to go to Califon to take care of my mother five years ago.  I left a house and community I loved behind, but I moved back to the wonderful town I grew up in, Califon.   I went to Califon to take care of  my mother, a woman that was always there for me and for her family.  I loved my mother with all my heart; yes, it was worth it!

I am running; I am trying to up my weekly mileage.  I will eventually get back to racing, I just need to get through this challenge in my life.  Running is my life line, running keeps me sane!

Today I was reminded of a song my father loved...Pennies From Heaven:


Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?
You'll find your fortune fallin' all over town
Be sure that your umbrella
Is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love, you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder Don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me

Every time it rains, it rains Pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains Pennies from heaven?
You'll find you fortune fallin' All over town
Be sure that your umbrella Is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder Don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and for me

Bing Crosby sang the song so beautifully:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uROuR3Jm6M

My family home back in the early 1960's, it is still the same wonderful home!

Selling a House...a Home!

I am totally exhausted!  I have been going through boxes and boxes of old papers, bills, sheet music (a ton of sheet music) and an occasional news article or birthday and holiday cards.  All in an effort to clear out my family home that is for sale.

Today I went through a box filled with my father's medical records.  I loved my dad; the sun rose and set on him.  He passed away almost 22 years ago from Polyarteritis nodosa, which was a terminal illness at that time.  Reading about the different medical procedures he endured made me appreciate the pain he suffered.  There were notes from the CNAs that cared for him at home while my mother worked.  It was clear that dad did not want anyone else but mom caring for him.  I chuckled thinking about how he would take care of many of his own needs independently when I took care of him, but he would try to get mom do those things when she was caring for him.  I think that was their way of saying "I love you"..he trusted her to do those things for him, and she completed those tasks as if to say "I will love you forever".

This house that is for sale is more than wood, metal, plastic, tile and shingle.  It housed a life-time of love, drama, happiness, achievement and sorrow.  Tom and I were married for the first time in the back yard on June 9 1973, and thirty-five years later to the day Tom would die in this house after being on Hospice for a month. 

Mom and dad celebrated the birth of five grandchildren in this house.  Fifty two Christmases were celebrated in this house,  and more!  I loved growing up in this three bedroom, one bath house.  If walls could talk what a story they would tell!

Today a young couple looked at this house...I hope they will think about a future living in this house.  This house needs to have a new family..a new story full of love, drama, happiness, achievement and sorrow.  A house full of a lifetime of memories....like the wonderful memories I will carry with me forever!