Silent Violins

It has been almost 7 years since Tommy died, 4 years since Tom died and 5 months since mom died.  The silence in this house is a constant reminder of their passing. 


I go through their private belongings making the choice to keep, sell or throw them away.  It is time consuming and heart breaking.


I know I have to get through this, but I just want to run away to the end of the earth and never come back.  Every item I go through or have to throw out, sell or donate is a constant reminder of the loved one I have lost.


It is a two edged sword...I miss them desperately but I am so grateful that I had them in my life. 


My mother was a musician.  She played the piano, organ and violin.  She played in the New Jersey and Hunterdon County Symphonies where she was first chair First Violin.  Mom made beautiful music when she gently pressed the bow against the violin strings or pressed the piano/organ keys. She was far more gifted than she ever knew.


Mom kept her violins in her bedroom closet.  Tommy had one restrung for her, but she could not play it at the time because of an old injury.  We all longed to hear her play, but the beautiful restrung violin would remain silent. 


I long to hear my mother play...I long to hear my mother's voice, my son Tommy's voice and my husband Tom's voice, but there is only silence.

In the silence I remember so many special times.  I find myself smiling, my heart comforted.  I hear my mother playing in my memories..I hear Tommy's voice and see his impish smile.  I read the love note Tom has left in my car for me to find when I leave for work and I listen to his funny stories.  I have such wonderful memories.  The things they left behind may be silent but their memories are loud and clear.

                                                         My mother's silent violins.

Pennies From Heaven

I haven't written for a while.  I am working hard to get my family home cleaned out.  It is for sale and as a result my childhood is public....a big slice of my life is on display and I feel violated!

A week ago a young highly tattooed couple toured mom's home and when they saw the cat food bag they cringed and asked if we had a cat.  I said yes, my mother's cat named Beauregard.  The female wrinkled her face and told me she was allergic to cats.   Interesting because they were fine with the house and the two dogs until she saw the cat food.  I was stunned, my parent's home is very clean, it has a new roof, updated electric, new furnace and new ceiling in the "family room".  There are nice "old updates" (okay they are from the early 1970's) of the bathroom and kitchen. The kitchen and bathroom may need updating, but they are still nice.  Most of all the house is full of love and wonderful memories.  But a bag of cat food suddenly reduces my family home to nothing by a young insensitive narcissist who obviously doesn't know anything about quality, nor does she care?

When I had the new roof put on the workmen told me that while a lot of new homes look good, they are not made well.  They are having to replace roofs a lot earlier than they should and often need to replace the wood too.  My parent's home, they said, was built like a tank..they said that builders do not make homes like my parent's home anymore.  I think I would rather buy an old tank than something new that looks good on the outside, but is really made of "cardboard"!

I am going back to my home in Pennsylvania..much to do there.  I have to replace pipes for the bathroom, fix the bathroom and kitchen and paint the living room, dining room and bedrooms.  I asked myself if it was worth it to go to Califon to take care of my mother five years ago.  I left a house and community I loved behind, but I moved back to the wonderful town I grew up in, Califon.   I went to Califon to take care of  my mother, a woman that was always there for me and for her family.  I loved my mother with all my heart; yes, it was worth it!

I am running; I am trying to up my weekly mileage.  I will eventually get back to racing, I just need to get through this challenge in my life.  Running is my life line, running keeps me sane!

Today I was reminded of a song my father loved...Pennies From Heaven:


Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?
You'll find your fortune fallin' all over town
Be sure that your umbrella
Is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love, you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder Don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me

Every time it rains, it rains Pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains Pennies from heaven?
You'll find you fortune fallin' All over town
Be sure that your umbrella Is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder Don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and for me

Bing Crosby sang the song so beautifully:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uROuR3Jm6M

My family home back in the early 1960's, it is still the same wonderful home!