My Path

I found this letter my mother sent to a newspaper, after she died.

I recently heard the quote that "your mother chose her path now it is time for you to choose your own path".  I think it was from the movie "The Help".

I wish I had heard that quote back when I was young.

I have always felt myself so tied to my mother.  She was beautiful, intelligent and loved by so many people.  But I did want something different than she imagined for me.

I wanted to make sculptures so beautiful and glassware that was so shiny and glittering that people would passionately love them.

My mother wanted a more "practical" life for me.  No studying art without a degree in art education.  She was afraid that I did not possess enough talent to make a living as an artist.  She wanted to "protect" me.

In my heart I knew my maternal grandmother (who I called Nana) believed that I did possess the talent and the desire to build a career making "beautiful things". 

My Nana died when I was 17, and I let my dreams die with her.

Why did I let all the things that made me dream go?  Nanna advocated with my mother for me to go to Art School (Nanna and I often spoke about it).  I guess I just felt powerless after Nanna died when I was a junior in high school and I gave up.

I love my mother with all my heart and I am sure she never wanted me to feel intimidated.  I was the one who let that happen.  The question now is whether I will let this define me for the rest of my life.

In December 2012 I will reach a mile-stone I do not want to achieve.  I do not want to be old, knowing I will never be young again, at least not young looking.

As far as the history of the world is concerned, I am a baby.  I think from now on I am going to reference my life as compared to the march of time.  In my heart I am still young with many possibilities. 

I believe I have made a difference in people's lives being a Social Worker and a Supervisor in the field of Developmental Disabilities.  I know I have been so inspired by the people I have worked with and for over the past 30+ years.  There is something so incredibly special and amazing about people diagnosed with a developmental disability and those who chose a career to serve them.  I belong to a very small and amazing group of individuals!  So far my career has been a pleasure,and an honor!

But I have to ask myself the question...is there more?  And the answer is "yes".  I want to create..to write the stories in my head...create the sculptures I envision.  Maybe I will be the only one that treasures them, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that I followed my dreams and my heart without the negative messages of others...the negative messages (intended or unintended) of the past.

My mother initially was not crazy about my running back in the 1970's, but did with time become supportive.  I think she wished she had made healthier decisions for herself. 

The future is up to each of us...we choose our own path!

My mother baked a cake for my 4th birthday!

Appreciation

I signed on to take the 30 day challenge from Run to the Finish blog..imagine showing appreciation?  Don't you think the world would be a much better place if we showed more appreciation...well, I do!


http://www.runtothefinish.com/2012/01/30-day-challenge-appreciation.html

The Benefits of Running!

After painfully watching my mother suffer and pass away from Dementia/Alzheimer's disease, I was energized to read this article.  Running does not only help Depression but it appears to help us counteract Alzheimer's Disease!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/alzheimers/running-may-counteract-risks-of-alzheimers-gene/article2309815/?utm_medium=Feeds%3A%20RSS%2FAtom&utm_source=Life&utm_content=2309815

I want to leave this life in control of and aware of my surroundings, running until the last day of my life!

Etta

So sad to hear of Etta James passing.  She was one of my favorites growing up.  I can't think of anyone today that even comes close to her soulful voice. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1uunRdQ61M

Makes me dream of my brown eyed, sweet man Tom! 

Finding love is heaven!

Life's Pictures

I have to clean out my mother's house and this involves hours of going through boxes and boxes of papers, cards, bills and pictures.

Today I tackled one of the hall closets.  Oh my, what a mess!  But within this mess I found pictures I never saw before.  I gingerly looked through my mother's scrap books from the 1930's and 40's.  What a story they told.

My mother kept every memento..every program...every letter from her loved ones.... post cards...and especially every letter from her beloved Terry (along with the many dance cards that listed him as her only partner).

Terry was a charming, handsome young man she started dating while in high school...from the looks of things they were very much in love.  When WWII started Terry enlisted to fight for freedom.  He fought, died and was buried in in Guadalcanal.  He was awarded the Purple Heart for his bravery....my mother loved him..he was a true American Hero!

Eventually she met a very handsome young Alexander Raymond Dunn and fell in love again.  They were such an ideal couple!

I wish I had the opportunity to know my mother when she was young.  I think I would have really liked her!  We loved the same things..especially music.  I once played an okay piano..a good enough clarinet to once be a first chair, first clarinet in a Junior Orchestra.  I studied classical guitar for a number of years; I think I was pretty good too!

I imagine myself "jamming" with mom, playing some of her favorite songs.  I think that would have been great fun!

Parents are only human, just like us.  They did have a life before we were born, a life that is important for us to experience and understand.  They helped mold us into what we are today...it is so wonderful and sweet to find that they are more like us than different. 

I am so flattered when someone says I remind them of my mother or father.  They are the greatest compliments I could ever receive!

                                                                                  My Wonderful Parents

Taking Care

As 2012 appears in its infancy, I think of the year ahead, and I wonder now who am I going to take care of?

From the time I was a very little girl I have always had someone I needed to care for.  As a child, it was my sister.  My parents always expected me to watch over her even though she was 2 years older than me.  Dad would say I had "common sense"; my mother never gave me an explanation until later in life, when I was able to understand.  All I can say is that I love my sister!  She is a beautiful, incredibly talented artist!

During a brief period when I was in high school I went to stay with my maternal grandmother after my grandfather died.  I loved them both immensely and it hurt so much when the man I called "Papa" died.  My grandmother, who I called "Nana", only lived 4 months longer than Papa.  I stayed with her and listened at night as she cried herself to sleep.  After she passed I had a dream she was a young woman walking down a dirt road, hand in hand with a very young Papa...so much in love and so happy to be with each other again.

Then there was my precious first born, Thomas Alexander.  He was a joy and a handful too; always 10 minutes ahead of everyone else!  Stephen Andrew Joseph followed 8 years later; another joy and a very creative, clever young man!  Alison Meredith made her grand entrance (16 days past the due date) in November 1983; a very beautiful and gifted young lady!  Many wonderful years passed...and then they were grown.

In 1987 my father suffered what we thought was a stroke, but it turned out to be a horrid terminal disease.  I tried to help care for him, help my mother take care of the house.  My mother carried the greatest burden and she cared for dad with tremendous grace and love.  Dad passed away in 1990.

I lost my precious Tommy on a hot summer night in 2005.  The grief is no longer acute, but it constantly remains with me; I miss him, I love him so! 

Then came the time when my mother needed help.  My husband Tom and I moved to Califon, New Jersey 5 years ago to take care of her after she suffered a stroke.  It was a time I will never regret, it was the chance of a lifetime to give back to someone who had given so selflessly of herself to her family all her life.  Caring for mom was a "labor" of love. 

While we were caring for mom, my husband Tom got sick, went on hospice and passed away.  That was 3 1/2 years ago.  He was a wonderful man.  I will always be grateful that he was my partner..if only for a while!

Six months later mom had another stroke and I could no longer care for her on my own.  I put the lot she owned for sale and believed that if I sold the lot I could pay off all her bills, take an early retirement (yes, I applied twice for an early retirement during this time, only to have to cancel each).  We had 2 contracts on the lot, but both sales fell through.  It broke my heart.

I went regularly to the nursing home to visit mom and drop off her laundry.  She lost most of her memories, but always seemed to know me.  She was always so cute and sweet!

On September 27, 2011 mom went on hospice; she passed away on October 20 2011.  There was a beautiful Memorial Service for her on November 5, 2011...just beautiful! 

Now I am getting her estate in order...properties need to be cleaned out and sold.  Her creditors must be paid. 

Today I realised that after this I have no one to take care of....at least not on an on-going basis.

Then I thought about what I was going to do...and I knew the answer.  It is time for me to take care of myself.  I have so much to be thankful for..so many precious and joyful memories.  But I have an exciting future to look forward to...I think I am going to like this period of my life. 

It feels like I have finally caught up to a rainbow!

I hope that you find a rainbow too in 2012!