As 2012 appears in its infancy, I think of the year ahead, and I wonder now who am I going to take care of?
From the time I was a very little girl I have always had someone I needed to care for. As a child, it was my sister. My parents always expected me to watch over her even though she was 2 years older than me. Dad would say I had "common sense"; my mother never gave me an explanation until later in life, when I was able to understand. All I can say is that I love my sister! She is a beautiful, incredibly talented artist!
During a brief period when I was in high school I went to stay with my maternal grandmother after my grandfather died. I loved them both immensely and it hurt so much when the man I called "Papa" died. My grandmother, who I called "Nana", only lived 4 months longer than Papa. I stayed with her and listened at night as she cried herself to sleep. After she passed I had a dream she was a young woman walking down a dirt road, hand in hand with a very young Papa...so much in love and so happy to be with each other again.
Then there was my precious first born, Thomas Alexander. He was a joy and a handful too; always 10 minutes ahead of everyone else! Stephen Andrew Joseph followed 8 years later; another joy and a very creative, clever young man! Alison Meredith made her grand entrance (16 days past the due date) in November 1983; a very beautiful and gifted young lady! Many wonderful years passed...and then they were grown.
In 1987 my father suffered what we thought was a stroke, but it turned out to be a horrid terminal disease. I tried to help care for him, help my mother take care of the house. My mother carried the greatest burden and she cared for dad with tremendous grace and love. Dad passed away in 1990.
I lost my precious Tommy on a hot summer night in 2005. The grief is no longer acute, but it constantly remains with me; I miss him, I love him so!
Then came the time when my mother needed help. My husband Tom and I moved to Califon, New Jersey 5 years ago to take care of her after she suffered a stroke. It was a time I will never regret, it was the chance of a lifetime to give back to someone who had given so selflessly of herself to her family all her life. Caring for mom was a "labor" of love.
While we were caring for mom, my husband Tom got sick, went on hospice and passed away. That was 3 1/2 years ago. He was a wonderful man. I will always be grateful that he was my partner..if only for a while!
Six months later mom had another stroke and I could no longer care for her on my own. I put the lot she owned for sale and believed that if I sold the lot I could pay off all her bills, take an early retirement (yes, I applied twice for an early retirement during this time, only to have to cancel each). We had 2 contracts on the lot, but both sales fell through. It broke my heart.
I went regularly to the nursing home to visit mom and drop off her laundry. She lost most of her memories, but always seemed to know me. She was always so cute and sweet!
On September 27, 2011 mom went on hospice; she passed away on October 20 2011. There was a beautiful Memorial Service for her on November 5, 2011...just beautiful!
Now I am getting her estate in order...properties need to be cleaned out and sold. Her creditors must be paid.
Today I realised that after this I have no one to take care of....at least not on an on-going basis.
Then I thought about what I was going to do...and I knew the answer. It is time for me to take care of myself. I have so much to be thankful for..so many precious and joyful memories. But I have an exciting future to look forward to...I think I am going to like this period of my life.
It feels like I have finally caught up to a rainbow!
I hope that you find a rainbow too in 2012!
From the time I was a very little girl I have always had someone I needed to care for. As a child, it was my sister. My parents always expected me to watch over her even though she was 2 years older than me. Dad would say I had "common sense"; my mother never gave me an explanation until later in life, when I was able to understand. All I can say is that I love my sister! She is a beautiful, incredibly talented artist!
During a brief period when I was in high school I went to stay with my maternal grandmother after my grandfather died. I loved them both immensely and it hurt so much when the man I called "Papa" died. My grandmother, who I called "Nana", only lived 4 months longer than Papa. I stayed with her and listened at night as she cried herself to sleep. After she passed I had a dream she was a young woman walking down a dirt road, hand in hand with a very young Papa...so much in love and so happy to be with each other again.
Then there was my precious first born, Thomas Alexander. He was a joy and a handful too; always 10 minutes ahead of everyone else! Stephen Andrew Joseph followed 8 years later; another joy and a very creative, clever young man! Alison Meredith made her grand entrance (16 days past the due date) in November 1983; a very beautiful and gifted young lady! Many wonderful years passed...and then they were grown.
In 1987 my father suffered what we thought was a stroke, but it turned out to be a horrid terminal disease. I tried to help care for him, help my mother take care of the house. My mother carried the greatest burden and she cared for dad with tremendous grace and love. Dad passed away in 1990.
I lost my precious Tommy on a hot summer night in 2005. The grief is no longer acute, but it constantly remains with me; I miss him, I love him so!
Then came the time when my mother needed help. My husband Tom and I moved to Califon, New Jersey 5 years ago to take care of her after she suffered a stroke. It was a time I will never regret, it was the chance of a lifetime to give back to someone who had given so selflessly of herself to her family all her life. Caring for mom was a "labor" of love.
While we were caring for mom, my husband Tom got sick, went on hospice and passed away. That was 3 1/2 years ago. He was a wonderful man. I will always be grateful that he was my partner..if only for a while!
Six months later mom had another stroke and I could no longer care for her on my own. I put the lot she owned for sale and believed that if I sold the lot I could pay off all her bills, take an early retirement (yes, I applied twice for an early retirement during this time, only to have to cancel each). We had 2 contracts on the lot, but both sales fell through. It broke my heart.
I went regularly to the nursing home to visit mom and drop off her laundry. She lost most of her memories, but always seemed to know me. She was always so cute and sweet!
On September 27, 2011 mom went on hospice; she passed away on October 20 2011. There was a beautiful Memorial Service for her on November 5, 2011...just beautiful!
Now I am getting her estate in order...properties need to be cleaned out and sold. Her creditors must be paid.
Today I realised that after this I have no one to take care of....at least not on an on-going basis.
Then I thought about what I was going to do...and I knew the answer. It is time for me to take care of myself. I have so much to be thankful for..so many precious and joyful memories. But I have an exciting future to look forward to...I think I am going to like this period of my life.
It feels like I have finally caught up to a rainbow!
I hope that you find a rainbow too in 2012!
2 comments:
What a touching post. Wow, you sure have been through a lot. May taking care of yourself be as rewarding as taking care of others.
Noel, you are someone I look up to ... loving, and brave..
it definitely is now time for you!
I pray it is a good, No, Great year ahead for you!
Linda
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