Saying Goodbye

Alex

My mother was buried this morning and this marks the beginning of my life without her.  I know that due to Dementia she really "left" us several years ago, but she pretty much recognized me until the end.  I cannot imagine life without her, but I have no choice in the matter.

I spent most of the day with my grandson Alex.  From the age of 1 1/2 until almost 3 Alex helped me care for my mother.  He held her cane as I got her dressed or ready for bed.  He would hold her tooth cup at night and rinse her teeth and present them to her in the morning (we called him the "tooth fairy" with tremendous affection).  Alex and mom sat at the same table for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  They had a special bond and love for each other.

Over the past couple years my mother was unable to recognize people.  She forgot her grandchildren and even forgot little Alex.  Alex was sad that Nanny didn't know him but he understood that she was "not feeling well".  He loved her no matter what.

Alex was so concerned that we "bury" Nanny today.  We had the graveside service this morning, but Alex wanted to make sure she was  fully "buried" next to his Pappy, Uncle Tommy and great papa.  He was relieved to see her grave covered and the beautiful flower arrangements on top of her grave.  He told me that Nanny, Uncle Tommy, Pappy and his Great Grandfather are together and he was so happy about it.

I am hurting so much that my mother is now gone...but it took an innocent little boy's words to put the day in perspective...she may be gone from this world but she is now in the best company.

The only sure thing in life is that we all will die.  Mom had a wonderful life and she gave me all the tools I will ever need to continue to live in this world without her!

 

Mom

Carol Jean Geist Dunn 8/27/1920-10/20/2011

My wonderful mother!

May she rest in peace.  I love her with all my heart and feel so blessed that she was my mother.

I love you mommy!

Children

My family home in 1960, right after we moved in.  The 1957 Chevy station wagon is on the left in the garage and the 1959 VW is on the right.

I am so overwhelmed with my mother's end of life care; I want her to leave this life peacefully and without any pain.  She is so fragile and needs constant care.  I do trust she is receiving the best care even though I found her one morning in a condition that should never, ever happen.  I trust it will never happen again...I will be watching to make sure!


Since going to Califon 5 years ago with my late husband to care for my mom after she suffered a stroke, I realized I am truly my mother's daughter.  I have  facial expressions like her and I sing around the house...I even sing answers to my grandson Alex like my mom sang to my children (and to me).  People immediately recognize me as my mother's daughter (people immediately recognized me as my dad's daughter..I think I look more like my dad except for my eyes..I have my mother's eyes). 


My son Tommy was wonderful.  He was always coming over to take care of something.  He was such a joy to have around; his dry sense of humor was unmatched. He loved his family and did all he could to keep us together, especially at holiday times.  He worried about all of us and was there when we were in need.  He was a great blessing....and a loss from which we will never recover in this life.


My daughter Alison and son Steve have always tried to be there. They have given their time and energy to help with some overwhelming tasks at mom's house.  Steve has been putting up a new ceiling in the breezeway and helping with clearing up the numerous fallen branches outside.  There is so much to be done.


I love my family home and wish there was some way of keeping it, but the situation is complicated.  Maybe someday I will be able to find a small country house that will be just the right fit for me.


Meanwhile, I keep my vigil for my mother and I pray for her peaceful passing.  I will miss her more than she will ever know!  I always looked to my parents to be my comfort..now I know I am the one to comfort them.  It is the circle of life...the way it should be!

Running When I Can!!

I am still running, but not at the same level.  This week so far I have run 4 1/4 miles and I have biked 24.25 miles.  I am planning on running 4 miles tomorrow making my weekly total 8 1/2 miles.  I also plan on adding another 6 biking miles, for a total of 30.25 miles.

Today, according to the hospice nurse, my mother is "still hanging in there"...I guess that means she is not dead yet.  I am not completely happy with this hospice the nursing home "likes" so much.  They were suppose to give me at least weekly updates..I finally got my first "update" today after two weeks and leaving several messages.

I go and see my mother at various times..often I am there early in the morning.  I arrived early..8am..yesterday morning to find my mother in bed, smelling of urine and feces...her lips were dry and peeled, her eyes dry and contracted.  I looked around for an aide, but was told the hospice aide was to care for my mother.  The hospice aide arrived at 8:20am and said the usual aide could not make it because the usual aide was on vacation and she was a replacement.  I did not want to get upset in front of my mother because she does still have hearing. I pointed out my mother's condition calmly and thoroughly..even though I wanted to scream!

This morning, after a night of little sleep because I was worried about my mom, I went to the nursing home even earlier than yesterday and I was relieved to find my mother had been given attention to her oral care and her eyes had been given drops so they were well hydrated.  She was clean and appeared comfortable.  I give the aides at the nursing home credit for this..not the hospice aides. 

I will continue to keep a close eye on my mother's care.  She is at the end of her life and she deserves the very best care..any less is criminal! 

I will not accept anything but the best. That is why I chose Country Arch Care Center because they had the best reputation; they have provided exceptional care to my mother.  But this hospice the owners of Country Arch recommended..is questionable. 

I will be watching!

Time...

My mother is so very close to death.  I want to be with her all the time, but it is not feasible.  I need to work to pay my bills, plus most of her bills.  No one is able to help me with this financial burden so I have to work.  I do not have a lot of time to take off from work; I am with her as often as I can.

I do bike and run when I can..it keeps me from going completely bonkers.

My dad passed 21 years ago and it took me a long time to stop crying constantly over his loss (I still cry sometimes because I miss him so much). 

Tommy passed 6 years ago and I will never stop crying..he was my first born...my precious son!

Tom, my husband, passed 3 years ago..I miss him and I feel so angry that he is not here with me now.  It wasn't supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to have the next 30+ years together.  But I am grateful for the time we had...so grateful!

I was so inspired by Steve Job's commencement address at Stanford University class of 2005:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other
people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out
your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow
your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want
to become. Everything else is secondary."

 
I do not want to listen to the negative thoughts or comments directed at me.  I may have 30+ years or minutes left of my life.  It is up to me to make the most of that time.  What others think may be a help or may be a "put down".  I refuse to listen to those who would reign me in...keep me isolated.  I plan on living the rest of the life I have been given to the fullest..to the happiest..to the most productive..to the most joyful and creative!  I do not have time for negativity!

I love you my wonderful mom...you lived your life to the fullest and I intend to live my life the same!

REQUESTING THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!

I am asking for prayers for my mother.  She is on hospice care; she is dying.  She is in the end stages of dementia..unable to take care of any of her basic needs.  She is no longer eating...the end is near.  We love her so very much and pray for a peaceful, painless passing.  I am hoping that people will keep her in their thoughts and their prayers.

My wonderful adorable mother, taken a few months ago!  I love her so very much!