Christmas Time

I hoped to run at least 10-16 miles this week...I have only run 2 miles so far.  

There are so many distractions...emergencies at work...emergencies at home...and a just plain 8 hour work day with a 4:30 pm sunset!

Soon..December 21st..the days will become longer...but not necessarily warmer. 

I will take longer sunlight over warmer temps!

I love to run in the early morning...by this time in January I will be able to run in the am without a problem as long as I am bundled up!  I love running even if there is snow (but I do not like ice or frozen snow running).  I dislike treadmill running, but I will run on the treadmill as the last resort.

I am trying to get back on track in my life.  I miss Tommy, Tom and mom, but I have no choice, I have to continue this life without them.  I intend to live this life to the fullest..without constraints!

I wish you all a Merry Christmas..and a year of Happy Running!

Snowstorm in October 2011...looks a lot like Christmas!



Rebirth!

I have been so devastated over the past 6 years.  I lost my oldest (and wonderful) son Tommy, I lost my husband (the love of my life) and my mother (how blessed I was to have such a special mom).

Today I realized that I am now going through a rebirth...a life without my mother and father...a life without my husband...a life without my precious first born child.

I feel that my mother's passing initiated this new phase of my life.

A month after mom died her Will was probated and I was officially established as her Executor.  I cried after leaving the Surrogate's office...it hurt so much to realize she was really gone from this life.

Mom's attorney will handle the negotiations with Medically Needy Program.  Other bills will need to be paid too...it is too early to know if there will be an inheritance.

I am developing...

I have to figure out where I will go...I wish I could stay at my family home, but due to complicated family matters I don't think it will be possible.  Other options are there..I just have to figure it out.

I am growing...







I will run my first half marathon 7 months after mom passes.  I will run in her honor...Tommy's honor and my Tom's honor.

I will continue to grow..to heal...to slowly blossom.

A beautiful rose blossoms.

I am ready for my new adventure!

A little baby is ready to be born!



Like a baby ready to be born, I am going to embrace this new phase of my life.  I am being reborn...there may be some things I cannot control, but there are more that I have complete control over!

Do you ever feel you have the power to make positive changes after painful experiences?  I would love to hear your story!

Beautiful Heroes!

I have been musing about what "beauty" is...is it someone under age 30..is it eye color and skin smoothness?  Is beauty a lack of wrinkled eyes, wrinkled neck or greying hair?  Is beauty a matter of energy.."youthful" energy..running 8 minute miles and hiking extreme peaks in record times?

No, to me beauty is what shines from within. 

J.R. Martinez is so handsome..so beautiful..he radiates joy for life...gratitude for life...and this is coming from a man who came so close to losing his life in defense of his country.  J.R. is my hero!

J.R. Martinez is one handsome man!

And there is Carla Nash, the woman who was mutilated by her friend's Chimpanzee.  She received a new face....with more courage than I can ever imagine.  She is so grateful to be able to eat solid food and smell again.  She is blind and still does not have feeling throughout her face, but she doesn't care..she is so grateful to be alive.  She also said that people tell her she is beautiful now, she said no one ever called her beautiful before the attack.  She is amazing...I am in awe of her.  You are truly an incredibly beautiful woman Carla! You are one of my heroes!

Carla's lovely new face reflects her inner beauty!

 

To me J.R. and Carla are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!  They are so inspiring!

The people the media portray as the "beautiful" ones cannot hold a candle to J.R. and Carla.  The Kardashians, the Hilton's, the filthy spoiled rich are not beautiful...they are more like the freak shows in the circus..botox enhanced.....retouched with plastic surgery....even an x-ray to "prove" a big butt is "real", not "enhanced".  People want to gawk at them and see how different their frivolous lives are from the real world.  They may be people of "interest", but they are not heroes.

We need more heroes and far less "freakishness"!  Beauty is not skin deep...it truly comes from within!

Onward!

I have slowly been getting back to my running schedule.  I do not like the shorter days with daylight savings time because I have to do my runs in the early morning.  I hope to increase my mileage this week to 16 miles; I know I can do it.

I feel sad that I might have to leave Califon, New Jersey.  It is a beautiful town and it has so much history with my family.  But my sister will want her share of the estate and I cannot afford to buy her half of the house plus pay my mother's final bills.  I guess I will figure it out in time; where ever I wind up it will be the start of a new "history"  for me.  Life is meant to continue.. never stagnant, always in motion.

Five years ago when my husband Tom and I came here to take care of mom (for what we thought would be a few months) I thought I would be back in Pennsylvania soon.  Now it is not clear where I will wind up; I guess it is quite the adventure!

I have my health...I have my work...I have my passion for writing, running, biking and walking.  I have so much to look forward to.  I am excited to move onward; to see what life has in store for me next!

One thing I know...I registered for the St Luke's Half-Marathon in April 2012 and this time I am going to finish!

St Luke's Half- Marathon

Where Do I Go From Here?

I have to admit I am feeling a Little lost.  All the things I thought were important I now question.  I have the rest of my life to live and I am not sure how or where I want to live it.  I used to talk to my mother about "things" or my husband about "things"..but they are now gone.

I guess it just takes time to figure it out.  Not too much time...just a bit of time.

I am missing mom so much...believe me when I say I am raw and in pain.  My precious Aunt Alma, mom's 95 year old sister, was here the last few days going through some of my mother's "boxes of memories" keeping what needs to be kept and throwing out what can be let go.  I love Aunt Alma so much; she has been a second mother to me my entire life.  She and mom seemed like oil and water at times...and then the very best of friends.  Aunt Alma gave the most wonderful speech at mom's memorial service.  People who never met mom, or only knew her a little, walked away feeling they had known her forever.  What a gift to give to your little sister!

My mother gave me a gift.  When I was going through some of her "boxes of memories" I found a Little article she submitted to the Express Times back in 1990:

I never knew she wrote this little paragraph...thank you mom!  I think I was the one to get the "wonderful present"...the very best mother!

My beautiful wonderful mom!

Saying Goodbye

Alex

My mother was buried this morning and this marks the beginning of my life without her.  I know that due to Dementia she really "left" us several years ago, but she pretty much recognized me until the end.  I cannot imagine life without her, but I have no choice in the matter.

I spent most of the day with my grandson Alex.  From the age of 1 1/2 until almost 3 Alex helped me care for my mother.  He held her cane as I got her dressed or ready for bed.  He would hold her tooth cup at night and rinse her teeth and present them to her in the morning (we called him the "tooth fairy" with tremendous affection).  Alex and mom sat at the same table for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  They had a special bond and love for each other.

Over the past couple years my mother was unable to recognize people.  She forgot her grandchildren and even forgot little Alex.  Alex was sad that Nanny didn't know him but he understood that she was "not feeling well".  He loved her no matter what.

Alex was so concerned that we "bury" Nanny today.  We had the graveside service this morning, but Alex wanted to make sure she was  fully "buried" next to his Pappy, Uncle Tommy and great papa.  He was relieved to see her grave covered and the beautiful flower arrangements on top of her grave.  He told me that Nanny, Uncle Tommy, Pappy and his Great Grandfather are together and he was so happy about it.

I am hurting so much that my mother is now gone...but it took an innocent little boy's words to put the day in perspective...she may be gone from this world but she is now in the best company.

The only sure thing in life is that we all will die.  Mom had a wonderful life and she gave me all the tools I will ever need to continue to live in this world without her!

 

Mom

Carol Jean Geist Dunn 8/27/1920-10/20/2011

My wonderful mother!

May she rest in peace.  I love her with all my heart and feel so blessed that she was my mother.

I love you mommy!