Life Means Love and Caring

I am embarking on the next phase of my life.  I am finally returning to my little half-double home in Wilson, Pennsylvania.  The little home I raised my children in and where I nurtured my gardens.  My home that saw the passing of treasured pets: Sylvester, Santa Claws , Miss Maddie and precious little Chocolate Chip.  I took Doodles with me to Califon in 2007, she passed away in 2008 never to return to her home in Wilson again.  My home in Wilson is a tiny house full of big memories.

Tommy would come to Wilson so often.  He would notice when something needed repair long before I would, and he would make the repair.  When he arrived with an 8  pack of bottles of beer I knew it was pizza night.  We would watch the old movies on Turner Classic Movies  because it is fun to see the past and enjoy some of the greatest cinematic moments of all time. 

Tommy was the man of the house, even if he resided with mom in Califon. 

Mom often came to visit Wilson.  She wished I lived closer to her, in a "better" neighborhood.  She even stayed overnight, sleeping on the couch.  I miss her so much and I wish I could afford to stay in Califon.

Tom and I remarried in Wilson in 2006 and became partners in life. One of our favorite activities was hiking along the Lehigh River every weekend before going to Califon in 2007.  He was my constant support, my loving husband.  He was wonderful to my mother and relished his role as "Pappy" to little Alex.  I have so many wonderful memories!  I miss him so much, I never thought he would leave this life so soon.

I have to decide whether to take a feral cat I named Yogi back to Wilson.  Yogi arrived last winter in my mom's garage.  I fed Yogi and talked to him, slowly he began to trust me and eventually became attached to me, but he hates being inside.  He would absolutely hate Wilson, a small city.  I want him with me because I love him, but I also want him to be where he is free and happy.  I want to know someone is looking out for him.  He is the only reason I wish I could win the lottery so I could buy my sibling out and pay for all my mom's bills allowing me to stay in the house in Califon.  I love Yogi!

My Yogi, I really want her to stay with me, but am I being selfish?

My home in Wilson is in disrepair.  At least those who lived there replaced the bathroom pipes but they left a gaping hole in the dining room ceiling that needs repair.  In addition, the bathroom floor is rotted and the kitchen tiles are warped and need replacement.  The living room floor needs refinishing and the bathroom and kitchen need updating.  All the walls need repainting. The outside needs repainting and the roof will need to be replace within the next couple years.  I certainly have my work cut out for me!

I am looking forward to this as a new adventure.  I refuse to look at it in a negative way because I have so much to look forward to!  I have my Alex and little Rowan; I am really excited about watching them grow.  I want to be in their lives as long as possible; I want to cherish every single moment of my wonderful life! 

 

Finally Going Home

My house, with my son and brother-in-law standing in front, shortly before I left to go to my mother's home. 

I planned on writing a new post weeks ago, but I have been forced to make some very important decisions so I needed time.

Over the past 5 years, my life had somehow gotten out of my control.  Mom was sick, Tom and I came to Califon to care for her.  Tom got sick and passed away 1 1/2 years later.  Six months after Tom passed my mother had her second stroke and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  She went into a nursing home while I tried to Get her second property, a 1/2 acre lot, sold so that I could make alterations to her house (a ramp both outside and in the house from the family room to the main floor, and alterations to the bathroom) and bring her home.  I put in for an early retirement when it seemed we had a "doable" contract on the lot in 2010.  When the sale fell through I was devastated. Thank God I was able to cancel my early retirement application!

After the contract on the lot fell through I decided it was time to sell mom's home and return to Pennsylvania.  I knew that with the decline in the economy my mother's lot would not yield enough to pay off the Medicaid lien and pay for the alterations to her home that were needed in order to bring her home.   My sister was so angry about my decision she threatened to take legal action if I sold mom's home.  She wanted me to remain in the home because as long as I, the caretaker of our mother for over 2 years, remained in the home Medicaid would not be able to place a lien on the house; only the 1/2 acre lot.  So I remained in the house, with double bills coming in.  There were water, heat, electric, garbage, home owner's insurance and property taxes due for two properties and I paid them all as best I could.

Mom passed from advanced stages of Alzheimer's and Urosepsis on October 20 2011.  I continued to stay in the house in order to protect it from intruders and to get it cleaned out.  There were things, lots of things, in the house.  Bills, checks, correspondence and advertisements from 1959 until 2008 in hundreds of boxes.  The boxes lined the walls of mom's room, the middle bedroom and the attic.  It took months to go through them.  In them we would find some treasures like jewelry, dollar bills, Baptism records, beautiful pictures of family and poems written by my mother.  I am close to being through the last of the boxes; boxes that have resulted in new boxes full of treasures that I will chronicle in my scrapbook.

I have been at the mercy of what others want, or demand.  It is time to take control of my life back!

I think it is time to go home.  My home is in a horrid state.  Those who lived there without having to pay rent have left it in a deplorable state.  It will take me a while to make repairs.  At least they did replace the pipes that were damaged; I am grateful for that.  But they did not replace the big gaping hole in the dining room ceiling.

My journey with my mother is not so different form many of my peers.  At our age we suddenly find ourselves becoming "parents" to our parents.  It is a role that is noble, one embraced with love and gratitude.  After all, our parents gave us so much; they wanted us to have all the things they were denied as children.  They were members of the "greatest generation".  They grew up during the Great Depression and fought during WWII.  They knew the true meaning of sacrifice, and they knew that in order to survive one had to be tough and work hard.  It was an honor to take care of my mother. 

Now it is time for me to take responsibility for my own life, my own home.  Maybe I should have been stricter with those left in charge, but that is a mute point now.  I am responsible for the decisions I made when going to my mother's house, and the consequences.  I will miss the beautiful town of Califon and the big yard, but it feels right to be going back to my little half-double in Wilson. 

I have a lot of work to do on my house.  The bathroom and kitchen need remodeling, the walls need painting, the roof will have to be replaced and I will need new siding.  It will take a while to get all those tasks completed.  In addition I will have to find new trails on which I can run and ride my mountain bike.   Many new adventures await me as I move forward!

My house in Wilson:

https://maps.google.com/maps?q=2436+sycamore+street,+easton,+pa+18042&hl=en&ll=40.679058,-75.244889&spn=0.000508,0.001321&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=34.724817,86.572266&hnear=2436+Sycamore+St,+Easton,+Pennsylvania+18042&t=h&z=20&iwloc=A

Chickens versus life long residents

I wrote the following "letter" after the most recent contract to sell my parent's properties fell apart.  I do not understand how something like this could happen.  Don't we live in a  Democracy..where freedom, disclosure and rights are supposedly protected?  I guess basic human rights are not respected in the town of Califon, New Jersey: 

"I am writing in regard to my parent's estate, Alexander R. Dunn and Carol G. Dunn of Califon, New Jersey. I am Executor of the estate, attempting to sell their two properties. On May 24, 2012 I learned that Elizabeth McKenzie, Planner for the Planning Board of Califon Borough, wrote a note to file stating that my parent's lots were "merged" as a result of her interpretation of the Merger Doctrine.

The Merger Doctrine, first articulated by the Supreme Court in Loechner v. Campoli, 49 N.J.504 (1967), governs if two separate but adjacent lots can be deemed to be one merged lot. There have been successful challenges to the Merger Doctrine such as Pribish v. Corbett, 105 N.J. Supr. 407 (App. Div. 1969), Chirichello v. Zoning Board of Adjustment 78 N.J.544(1979),Jock v. Zoning Board of Adjustment, 371 N.J. Super. 547 (app. Div. 2004) or N.J.S.A. 40:55D-72(a). Chicalese v. Monroe Tp. Plan. Bd., 334 N.J. Super. 413, 423 (Law Div. 2000). These cases are too complicated for me to summarize in this letter but in all them it was clear that before determining that two adjacent non-conforming lots are indeed merged, Municipalities must carefully consider the property owner's rights.

In my parent's case the two adjoining lots are 1/2 acre and 1 acre respectively. The one acre lot is a conforming lot. The 1/2 acre lot is short a minimal amount of frontage, all that is needed a slight lot line adjustment to make it fully conforming. The lot line adjustment will not adversely affect either of the lots, the environment or the neighborhood. This minor change would result in two perfectly conforming lots. The 1/2 acre lot was never considered part of the main property, was never developed in any way ( Bridge v. Zoning Board of Adjustment, 233 N.J. Super. 587 ). My parent's never erected any structures on the 1/2 acre lot. It was always considered an investment, an insurance policy of sorts, and I was instructed to sell the lot if money was needed to help pay for my parent's care as they aged. This lot has been for sale for the past three years. For two of those years we have attempted to get the lot line adjustment approved by the Califon Planning Board.

I do not understand why a Planning Board would accept an interpretation of a law made by someone who is not an attorney. This interpretation has resulted in extreme financial hardship and emotional distress for my family. I understand Ms. McKenzie made this interpretation, leaving notes in the files of property owners who had two adjacent properties that she felt should be considered merged. I understand that none of the property owners were notified of her decision. They were not given an opportunity to appeal to the Zoning Board of Adjustment (N.J.S.A. 40:55D-72(a). Chicalese v. Monroe Tp. Plan. Bd., 334 N.J. Super. 413, 423 ). They were not given the opportunity to formally merge their properties if they so wished, thereby lowering their property taxes. In fact, it is my understanding that some elected officials deliberately did not want property owners to know for fear of a lower tax base in the town.

As elected/appointed Officials the Mayor and Planning Board have a moral, professional and ethical responsibility to protect the rights of tax paying property owner in the borough of Califon, New Jersey. My parents paid separate taxes on the two properties for 53 years. In fact last year the town of Califon had both properties reassessed; two separate assessments and two separate tax bills. I truly believe that in the case of my parent's two adjoining properties the Doctrine of Merger has been misapplied by Ms. McKenzie.

My parents loved the town of Califon. My mother's Uncle Elston Beaty, was the first Mayor of Califon. Her father, Harry G. Geist was also mayor for many years. Her mother, Helen Haggerty Geist wrote The Califon Story. My mother taught Kindergarten, music and reading in the Califon Elementary School for over 33 years. She was Organist and Choir Director at the Califon Methodist Church for almost 50 years. My father was a Scout Leader and member of the Planning Board in Califon. My father was a member of the Califon Volunteer Fireman Company. He taught Chemistry and Physics at North Hunterdon High School for over 30 years. They believed in their community and helped make the town of Califon what it is today. I do not understand how this can happen.

I urge the Planning Board of Califon to do the right thing and remove Ms. McKenzie's note from my parent's file. Both lots can be made conforming with a simple lot line adjustment. Please help us to move forward towards settling the estate as intended by my parents.

Sincerely

Noel Dunn Brown"

It is interesting that the Mayor of Califon, after he found out he had chickens that were illegal according to a town ordinance, pushed to have the ordinance changed.  He did not "vote" on the change, but he sure rallied behind it, so did the members of the Planning Board.  They challenge the rights of chickens, but not the rights of property owners! 
http://api.viglink.com/api/click?format=go&key=6bb099c03c841e0aa94311ac07580ace&loc=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.backyardchickens.com%2Ft%2F390856%2Fsupport-chickens-in-califon-nj-hunterdon-county-meeting-tonight&v=1&libid=1339112850658&out=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nj.com%2Fhunterdon-county-democrat%2Findex.ssf%2F2010%2F08%2Fchickens_should_be_allowed_in.html&ref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26frm%3D1%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D1%26ved%3D0CHQQFjAA%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.backyardchickens.com%252Ft%252F390856%252Fsupport-chickens-in-califon-nj-hunterdon-county-meeting-tonight%26ei%3DgT3RT635Daiz6gG1rZX8Ag%26usg%3DAFQjCNHWWJ6cExXhrfsXulxpRog-B1pMcA%26sig2%3D8LxKc8Lv0UjwMoKjouCdmA&title=Support%20Chickens%20in%20Califon%2C%20NJ%20(Hunterdon%20County)%20-%20Meeting%20TONIGHT&txt=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nj.com%2Fhunterdon-county-democrat%2Findex.ssf%2F2010%2F08%2Fchickens_should_be_allowed_in.html&jsonp=vglnk_jsonp_13391128834483

Tossing my bridal bouquet in the back yard of my family home June 9, 1973.  The home holds so many wonderful memories!

Yogurt..Yogi for short

Yogi

In the mist of trying to clean out my mother's home (while feeling the excruciating pain of losing her)  a cat showed up on the front porch.  He was skittish at first, running away from me when I tried to get near him.  I put food out for him on the porch and in the garage.  The weather was still very cold so at first he settled in the garage under a bunch of boxes I had tied together for recycling.  He would not come close enough for me to pet him for several weeks.  He was so frightened of any noises..any sudden movements. 

Several times I thought I was rescuing him from the trees, but eventually understood that he climbed trees to sleep, to be safe from the dangers below.  After time, he would see me, meow and walk down the tree limbs like they were a spiral staircase.  He did not need a rescue...he had found a way to survive by seeking solace in the highest limbs of a tree.

I have been taught a valuable lesson of survival from a precious kitty who is a great survivor.  He is not a feral cat; he is an abandoned cat.  At times he purrs so loudly and hangs so closely to me now that I feel he is my BFF!  He is loving, grateful, giving and devoted.  He has taught me that love overcomes everything...pain, loss, anxiety, loneliness...his purring is so healing.  A precious kitty...abandoned, unloved and neglected came to me and gave so much love that I now feel among the living again.  Initially I named him Yogurt (he looked like Mel Brook's character Yogurt from the movie Space Balls when I first saw him), but now I call him Yogi, which means "master of oneself".  Yogi is helping me to be the master of myself again.  Love you Yogi! You are so precious!

SleepyYogi

Panic Attack

My sister Sue Ellen and I outside our home on Easter circa 1964.

May 10th is the tentative date for closing on my family home. Fifty three years ago my parents brought the house on School Street they turned into our home.  I loved growing up in this home..in the wonderful and beautiful town of Califon, New Jersey.  My friends and I were never bored.  We had our baseball games, football games, and bikes that would take us through some of the most beautiful countryside in the world.  We had fun fishing and ice skating on the Raritan River.  I would want every child to be able to grow up in a town like Califon!

My family home holds not only memories but many, many boxes of mementos from 1959 until 2008.  I have gone through hundreds of boxes over the past few years thinking I was on top of things.  Well, a closer look at the attic this weekend revealed many boxes and bags in the far corners not visible without a flashlight.  I am overwhelmed with the amount of stuff my parents left behind.

I have some hard working days ahead of me to have this house cleaned out by May 10th. 

But I am most concerned about my emotional reaction because I am panicking.  I think about mom, dad, Tom and especially Tommy.  It was so hard for me to watch Tommy's things being carted away this weekend.  Mom's things are disappearing and my father's things are going too.  Tom's few belongings are going back with me to Pa.  I love them and miss them all so much that I feel I cannot breathe...my heart skips beats and I sense my mortality.  I have such empathy (that I wish I had back when it was needed) for what mom and dad went through when they lost their parents. 

Soon I will drive away from the house I considered my family home for 53 years..will I cry, will I become incapacitated or will I only be focused on the tasks that I must tackle at my house in Wilson Boro Pa?  I hope I will take inventory and say this is a new adventure.  In the end we cannot take any "things" with us.

There are new paths for me to travel, and more memories to make! 

Thank you Stephen, Alison, Tony, Sue, John, Patty and Carole for your help..I am so grateful!

Little "Bubbie" Bear

I have written about my beloved son Tommy who passed away 7 years ago.  He left behind many broken hearts.  But probably the one with the biggest broken heart was Tommy's Miniature Pinscher, Little "Bubbie" Bear.  Tommy and Bubbie were inseparable.

Bubbie was born 15 1/2 years ago. He was 8 weeks old when we purchased him from a local pet store.  We soon found out that he was a puppy mill puppy..almost sent him back..but his personality won our hearts!

Bubbie was big for a Miniature Pinscher..several inches too tall.  His size matched his exuberant personality. 

Not long before we bought Bubbie we acquired Chocolate "Chippie" Chip...another puppy mill puppy.  Chippie was small and so very sweet, he just wanted to curl up on a shoulder and sleep!  Bubbie, on the other hand, wanted to explore for any possible "chewy" item.  While our Chippie was docile and sweet, our Bubbie was adventurous and passionate.  They made an interesting couple!

We knew that Chippie and Bubbie probably inherited some health problems.  Chippie  was diagnosed with Diabetes before he was one..two insulin shots every day for the rest of his life. But Bubbie was seemingly very healthy...even super healthy!

Adorable Chippie passed away at 9 1/2 years of age, 4 1/2 years longer than the life expectancy our Vet gave us.  It was a devastating loss to us, but Bubbie lost his "brother".

Through out his life Bubbie was been fiercely loyal and devoted.  He spent much of his youth living in Easton, Pa.  At night Bubbie would sometimes refuse to come back inside the house. He loved to hide in the bushes..his feet pulsating in a loud pitter-pat.  He thought this was a really fun game.  One night before Christmas..many years ago..he escaped from the yard..we were frantic.  We searched the streets calling his name..I swear I heard the pitter-pat of his feet, but he would not come to us.  We alerted the authorities and the next day I got a call from the ASPCA..Bubbie was there and I needed $15.00 to bail him out.


Seven years ago after attending Saturday evening Mass I got an urgent message from Tommy.  He took Bubbie with him on a nature trail for a run.  Bubbie, who was off his leash, took off and didn't come back.  Tommy and Bubbie had gone on trail runs many times and Bubbie had never run off like that.  I called my son Steve and we rushed to Tommy's side.  For 6 days we searched for Bubbie.  Coyotes were rampant in the area and we feared for Bubbie's life.  On the 6th day I got a phone call from a farmer's wife..they found Bubbie curled up sound asleep next to their German Shepherd.  We were overjoyed!  Tommy immediately went to get Bubbie; we were so grateful that Bubbie still had his collar because it had our contact information on it.  Bubbie was noticeably thinner, but still as feisty as ever!

The past few years have been difficult for Bubbie.  He developed fatty tumors and began to show symptoms of Dementia.  He often didn't seem to know us and he would wander around as if he was lost.  He developed advance liver disease and often had problem keeping food down.  Two nights before he passed he had several disturbing incidents that turned out to be seizures.  He was suffering and there was no way he would get better.  It was time for Bubbie to go back to Tommy...back to his best-bud..running in the fields and sleeping under the stars. 

We love you Bub..we miss you.... you and Tommy will be in our hearts forever.  You are two stars in the sky and we will be together again, in time.

Tommy took this picture of Bubbie sleeping, rest in peace sweet Bubbie Bear!  We love you!

Why is Growing Old so Bad?

I watched Sunday Morning today on CBS.  The wonderful Patti Smith was interviewed by Anthony Mason.  I already loved her, but I love her even more because she made it clear she is proud of who she is today.  She is 65, not 25 and she wants to look her age.  I think she is beautiful, as beautiful as she was back in 1976.

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-3445_162-57407610/patti-smith-an-artist-never-at-rest/?tag=cbsnewsTwoColUpperPromoArea

There is a disturbing movement in this country, women seem to think they should remain "youthful" forever.  What is so wrong with growing old?

Jane Fonda, who always said she would age gracefully, had plastic surgery.  I see her as the eternal hypocrite!

Joan Rivers is the poster "old woman" of plastic surgery.  I love her sense of humor, but she has a really scary face!   Give me wrinkles please!

A couple days ago I read an article where the eternally beautiful Susan Sarandon said she would consider some type of surgery.   I love her beautiful face just the way it is!

Katherine Hepburn never had surgery but was an amazingly beautiful woman until she died.

Lauren Hutton is aging so beautifully..so gracefully!

My mother was a beautiful young woman.

And she was a beautiful  88 year old woman too!

I am with Patti..what is wrong with being 55, 60, 65, 70 or 100?  The numbers represent a long life full of many memories!  I say be proud of the numbers...life is a precious gift...the more years the greater the gift!  I am grateful for the many "gifts" I have been given!

Silent Violins

It has been almost 7 years since Tommy died, 4 years since Tom died and 5 months since mom died.  The silence in this house is a constant reminder of their passing. 


I go through their private belongings making the choice to keep, sell or throw them away.  It is time consuming and heart breaking.


I know I have to get through this, but I just want to run away to the end of the earth and never come back.  Every item I go through or have to throw out, sell or donate is a constant reminder of the loved one I have lost.


It is a two edged sword...I miss them desperately but I am so grateful that I had them in my life. 


My mother was a musician.  She played the piano, organ and violin.  She played in the New Jersey and Hunterdon County Symphonies where she was first chair First Violin.  Mom made beautiful music when she gently pressed the bow against the violin strings or pressed the piano/organ keys. She was far more gifted than she ever knew.


Mom kept her violins in her bedroom closet.  Tommy had one restrung for her, but she could not play it at the time because of an old injury.  We all longed to hear her play, but the beautiful restrung violin would remain silent. 


I long to hear my mother play...I long to hear my mother's voice, my son Tommy's voice and my husband Tom's voice, but there is only silence.

In the silence I remember so many special times.  I find myself smiling, my heart comforted.  I hear my mother playing in my memories..I hear Tommy's voice and see his impish smile.  I read the love note Tom has left in my car for me to find when I leave for work and I listen to his funny stories.  I have such wonderful memories.  The things they left behind may be silent but their memories are loud and clear.

                                                         My mother's silent violins.

Pennies From Heaven

I haven't written for a while.  I am working hard to get my family home cleaned out.  It is for sale and as a result my childhood is public....a big slice of my life is on display and I feel violated!

A week ago a young highly tattooed couple toured mom's home and when they saw the cat food bag they cringed and asked if we had a cat.  I said yes, my mother's cat named Beauregard.  The female wrinkled her face and told me she was allergic to cats.   Interesting because they were fine with the house and the two dogs until she saw the cat food.  I was stunned, my parent's home is very clean, it has a new roof, updated electric, new furnace and new ceiling in the "family room".  There are nice "old updates" (okay they are from the early 1970's) of the bathroom and kitchen. The kitchen and bathroom may need updating, but they are still nice.  Most of all the house is full of love and wonderful memories.  But a bag of cat food suddenly reduces my family home to nothing by a young insensitive narcissist who obviously doesn't know anything about quality, nor does she care?

When I had the new roof put on the workmen told me that while a lot of new homes look good, they are not made well.  They are having to replace roofs a lot earlier than they should and often need to replace the wood too.  My parent's home, they said, was built like a tank..they said that builders do not make homes like my parent's home anymore.  I think I would rather buy an old tank than something new that looks good on the outside, but is really made of "cardboard"!

I am going back to my home in Pennsylvania..much to do there.  I have to replace pipes for the bathroom, fix the bathroom and kitchen and paint the living room, dining room and bedrooms.  I asked myself if it was worth it to go to Califon to take care of my mother five years ago.  I left a house and community I loved behind, but I moved back to the wonderful town I grew up in, Califon.   I went to Califon to take care of  my mother, a woman that was always there for me and for her family.  I loved my mother with all my heart; yes, it was worth it!

I am running; I am trying to up my weekly mileage.  I will eventually get back to racing, I just need to get through this challenge in my life.  Running is my life line, running keeps me sane!

Today I was reminded of a song my father loved...Pennies From Heaven:


Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains pennies from heaven?
You'll find your fortune fallin' all over town
Be sure that your umbrella
Is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love, you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder Don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me

Every time it rains, it rains Pennies from heaven
Don'tcha know each cloud contains Pennies from heaven?
You'll find you fortune fallin' All over town
Be sure that your umbrella Is upside down

Trade them for a package of sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love you must have showers
So when you hear it thunder Don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and for me

Bing Crosby sang the song so beautifully:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uROuR3Jm6M

My family home back in the early 1960's, it is still the same wonderful home!

Selling a House...a Home!

I am totally exhausted!  I have been going through boxes and boxes of old papers, bills, sheet music (a ton of sheet music) and an occasional news article or birthday and holiday cards.  All in an effort to clear out my family home that is for sale.

Today I went through a box filled with my father's medical records.  I loved my dad; the sun rose and set on him.  He passed away almost 22 years ago from Polyarteritis nodosa, which was a terminal illness at that time.  Reading about the different medical procedures he endured made me appreciate the pain he suffered.  There were notes from the CNAs that cared for him at home while my mother worked.  It was clear that dad did not want anyone else but mom caring for him.  I chuckled thinking about how he would take care of many of his own needs independently when I took care of him, but he would try to get mom do those things when she was caring for him.  I think that was their way of saying "I love you"..he trusted her to do those things for him, and she completed those tasks as if to say "I will love you forever".

This house that is for sale is more than wood, metal, plastic, tile and shingle.  It housed a life-time of love, drama, happiness, achievement and sorrow.  Tom and I were married for the first time in the back yard on June 9 1973, and thirty-five years later to the day Tom would die in this house after being on Hospice for a month. 

Mom and dad celebrated the birth of five grandchildren in this house.  Fifty two Christmases were celebrated in this house,  and more!  I loved growing up in this three bedroom, one bath house.  If walls could talk what a story they would tell!

Today a young couple looked at this house...I hope they will think about a future living in this house.  This house needs to have a new family..a new story full of love, drama, happiness, achievement and sorrow.  A house full of a lifetime of memories....like the wonderful memories I will carry with me forever!

In Remembrance

I have to say that I have never understood evil.  I cannot understand how a person can kill another person without provocation.  I cannot understand how anyone can look at a child as a sexual object.  I have worked in the field of social work for over 30 years and I still cannot fathom such actions.  I understand the diagnoses, the pathology according to accepted constructs....they are our way of trying to make sense of completely senseless acts.   To me they represent pure evil.

Today the two precious little Powell boys were laid to rest:
http://abcnews.go.com/US/funeral-josh-powells-sons-held-washington/story?id=15561863
My heart aches for what these two little boys went through..first losing their mom and then having their father attack them with a hatchet before blowing up the house.  I cannot understand why more wasn't done to protect these two angels.  Law enforcement said their father as a suspect in their mother's death.  The judge and law enforcement also knew that their father had images of incest on his computer.  Why did the judge allow visitation in the father's home?  And why did the agency that supervised the visitation only send one worker to the home?  And why did the 911 dispatcher not send someone out immediately; the 911 tapes were devastating to listen to! 

Today at 11:00 am mountain time many people walked/ran for Sherry Arnold:
http://othervoices.runnersworld.com/2012/01/a-virtual-run-in-memory-of-sherry-arnold-2-11-12/?cm_mmc=Facebook-_-RunnersWorld-_-Conent-Blogs-_-OtherVoicesSherryRun
It is so hard to understand how a beautiful and wonderful mother, wife and teacher could go out one morning for a run and never return home.  Such a senseless loss! 

I ran today for Sherry and for the Powell boys.  I felt a connection to all those who took the time to remember..to pray that such heinous acts never happen to anyone else!  And that those loved ones who are left behind are comforted.

The march of time...or is time running?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAsxK7JOs74&noredirect=1
                                        Van Morrison's "Come Running"

I love to run ever since I joined a runners club in college back in the 1970's.  I was young then, with a life time ahead of me.  I only thought of what was to be; I had no regrets.

I have many regrets now and I pray every day that I could go back and make amends.  But in the real world this isn't always possible.  I guess the best we can do is to face those moments, ask for forgiveness and make changes in our lives.

Now that I am approaching the dreaded "old age" I am having panic attacks.  I had no problem facing age 40 or 50, but the next decade is feeling worse than my panic at age 30 (God, I look back now and realize I was so young at age 30!).

Back in December 1982 I went through a horrendous crisis...imagine a "Flower Child" turning 30?  I was part of the "don't trust anyone over 30" generation..30 was a very bad number!

Now it is 2012...another horrendous crisis is nearing.  Where did the time go?  How did I get so old?

Wait a minute..who said 60 is old?  Isn't 60 the new something...40...42..or something?  

I don't feel any different than I did 30 yeas ago...but I do think I am a little more mature..a bit better able to handle what life throws my way. 

I actually like being able to look at a situation and "poo-pooing" it away.  My priorities are straight; this was not the case 30 years ago.

Life has so many lessons; I am grateful that I finally learned to reap their benefit.  It took me a long time to realize that I didn't have all the answers.  Now I look forward to any challenges that lie ahead because I know there is so much more to learn..to experience.  Maybe I will have a more wrinkled appearance, but inside I am still Noel.  I am the composite of the baby, toddler, child, preteen, teenager, young adult, adult, mature adult and soon to be senior citizen. 

I have been blessed in so many ways.  I have had a wonderful family, terrific friends, a great career and good health.  I really am so very lucky! 

My Path

I found this letter my mother sent to a newspaper, after she died.

I recently heard the quote that "your mother chose her path now it is time for you to choose your own path".  I think it was from the movie "The Help".

I wish I had heard that quote back when I was young.

I have always felt myself so tied to my mother.  She was beautiful, intelligent and loved by so many people.  But I did want something different than she imagined for me.

I wanted to make sculptures so beautiful and glassware that was so shiny and glittering that people would passionately love them.

My mother wanted a more "practical" life for me.  No studying art without a degree in art education.  She was afraid that I did not possess enough talent to make a living as an artist.  She wanted to "protect" me.

In my heart I knew my maternal grandmother (who I called Nana) believed that I did possess the talent and the desire to build a career making "beautiful things". 

My Nana died when I was 17, and I let my dreams die with her.

Why did I let all the things that made me dream go?  Nanna advocated with my mother for me to go to Art School (Nanna and I often spoke about it).  I guess I just felt powerless after Nanna died when I was a junior in high school and I gave up.

I love my mother with all my heart and I am sure she never wanted me to feel intimidated.  I was the one who let that happen.  The question now is whether I will let this define me for the rest of my life.

In December 2012 I will reach a mile-stone I do not want to achieve.  I do not want to be old, knowing I will never be young again, at least not young looking.

As far as the history of the world is concerned, I am a baby.  I think from now on I am going to reference my life as compared to the march of time.  In my heart I am still young with many possibilities. 

I believe I have made a difference in people's lives being a Social Worker and a Supervisor in the field of Developmental Disabilities.  I know I have been so inspired by the people I have worked with and for over the past 30+ years.  There is something so incredibly special and amazing about people diagnosed with a developmental disability and those who chose a career to serve them.  I belong to a very small and amazing group of individuals!  So far my career has been a pleasure,and an honor!

But I have to ask myself the question...is there more?  And the answer is "yes".  I want to create..to write the stories in my head...create the sculptures I envision.  Maybe I will be the only one that treasures them, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that I followed my dreams and my heart without the negative messages of others...the negative messages (intended or unintended) of the past.

My mother initially was not crazy about my running back in the 1970's, but did with time become supportive.  I think she wished she had made healthier decisions for herself. 

The future is up to each of us...we choose our own path!

My mother baked a cake for my 4th birthday!

Appreciation

I signed on to take the 30 day challenge from Run to the Finish blog..imagine showing appreciation?  Don't you think the world would be a much better place if we showed more appreciation...well, I do!


http://www.runtothefinish.com/2012/01/30-day-challenge-appreciation.html

The Benefits of Running!

After painfully watching my mother suffer and pass away from Dementia/Alzheimer's disease, I was energized to read this article.  Running does not only help Depression but it appears to help us counteract Alzheimer's Disease!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health/new-health/conditions/alzheimers/running-may-counteract-risks-of-alzheimers-gene/article2309815/?utm_medium=Feeds%3A%20RSS%2FAtom&utm_source=Life&utm_content=2309815

I want to leave this life in control of and aware of my surroundings, running until the last day of my life!

Etta

So sad to hear of Etta James passing.  She was one of my favorites growing up.  I can't think of anyone today that even comes close to her soulful voice. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1uunRdQ61M

Makes me dream of my brown eyed, sweet man Tom! 

Finding love is heaven!

Life's Pictures

I have to clean out my mother's house and this involves hours of going through boxes and boxes of papers, cards, bills and pictures.

Today I tackled one of the hall closets.  Oh my, what a mess!  But within this mess I found pictures I never saw before.  I gingerly looked through my mother's scrap books from the 1930's and 40's.  What a story they told.

My mother kept every memento..every program...every letter from her loved ones.... post cards...and especially every letter from her beloved Terry (along with the many dance cards that listed him as her only partner).

Terry was a charming, handsome young man she started dating while in high school...from the looks of things they were very much in love.  When WWII started Terry enlisted to fight for freedom.  He fought, died and was buried in in Guadalcanal.  He was awarded the Purple Heart for his bravery....my mother loved him..he was a true American Hero!

Eventually she met a very handsome young Alexander Raymond Dunn and fell in love again.  They were such an ideal couple!

I wish I had the opportunity to know my mother when she was young.  I think I would have really liked her!  We loved the same things..especially music.  I once played an okay piano..a good enough clarinet to once be a first chair, first clarinet in a Junior Orchestra.  I studied classical guitar for a number of years; I think I was pretty good too!

I imagine myself "jamming" with mom, playing some of her favorite songs.  I think that would have been great fun!

Parents are only human, just like us.  They did have a life before we were born, a life that is important for us to experience and understand.  They helped mold us into what we are today...it is so wonderful and sweet to find that they are more like us than different. 

I am so flattered when someone says I remind them of my mother or father.  They are the greatest compliments I could ever receive!

                                                                                  My Wonderful Parents

Taking Care

As 2012 appears in its infancy, I think of the year ahead, and I wonder now who am I going to take care of?

From the time I was a very little girl I have always had someone I needed to care for.  As a child, it was my sister.  My parents always expected me to watch over her even though she was 2 years older than me.  Dad would say I had "common sense"; my mother never gave me an explanation until later in life, when I was able to understand.  All I can say is that I love my sister!  She is a beautiful, incredibly talented artist!

During a brief period when I was in high school I went to stay with my maternal grandmother after my grandfather died.  I loved them both immensely and it hurt so much when the man I called "Papa" died.  My grandmother, who I called "Nana", only lived 4 months longer than Papa.  I stayed with her and listened at night as she cried herself to sleep.  After she passed I had a dream she was a young woman walking down a dirt road, hand in hand with a very young Papa...so much in love and so happy to be with each other again.

Then there was my precious first born, Thomas Alexander.  He was a joy and a handful too; always 10 minutes ahead of everyone else!  Stephen Andrew Joseph followed 8 years later; another joy and a very creative, clever young man!  Alison Meredith made her grand entrance (16 days past the due date) in November 1983; a very beautiful and gifted young lady!  Many wonderful years passed...and then they were grown.

In 1987 my father suffered what we thought was a stroke, but it turned out to be a horrid terminal disease.  I tried to help care for him, help my mother take care of the house.  My mother carried the greatest burden and she cared for dad with tremendous grace and love.  Dad passed away in 1990.

I lost my precious Tommy on a hot summer night in 2005.  The grief is no longer acute, but it constantly remains with me; I miss him, I love him so! 

Then came the time when my mother needed help.  My husband Tom and I moved to Califon, New Jersey 5 years ago to take care of her after she suffered a stroke.  It was a time I will never regret, it was the chance of a lifetime to give back to someone who had given so selflessly of herself to her family all her life.  Caring for mom was a "labor" of love. 

While we were caring for mom, my husband Tom got sick, went on hospice and passed away.  That was 3 1/2 years ago.  He was a wonderful man.  I will always be grateful that he was my partner..if only for a while!

Six months later mom had another stroke and I could no longer care for her on my own.  I put the lot she owned for sale and believed that if I sold the lot I could pay off all her bills, take an early retirement (yes, I applied twice for an early retirement during this time, only to have to cancel each).  We had 2 contracts on the lot, but both sales fell through.  It broke my heart.

I went regularly to the nursing home to visit mom and drop off her laundry.  She lost most of her memories, but always seemed to know me.  She was always so cute and sweet!

On September 27, 2011 mom went on hospice; she passed away on October 20 2011.  There was a beautiful Memorial Service for her on November 5, 2011...just beautiful! 

Now I am getting her estate in order...properties need to be cleaned out and sold.  Her creditors must be paid. 

Today I realised that after this I have no one to take care of....at least not on an on-going basis.

Then I thought about what I was going to do...and I knew the answer.  It is time for me to take care of myself.  I have so much to be thankful for..so many precious and joyful memories.  But I have an exciting future to look forward to...I think I am going to like this period of my life. 

It feels like I have finally caught up to a rainbow!

I hope that you find a rainbow too in 2012!