Memory

Today is a a rainy Monday, March 22, 2010. I began my week 7 of the Runners World "First Steps" schedule by Mark Will-Weber: 9 minutes run with 1 minute walk X 3 , equaling 30 minutes.

I must say I think I did very well..I said "think" because after the second round of running I realized that I stopped running at the 20 minute mark, not the 19. I didn't remember to stop at 19 minutes and ran 10 minutes instead of 9. I was surprised at my self...how could I forget the sequence? I thought that maybe I was at the beginning stages of Senility...after all as Jonathan Swift said, "observation is an old man's memory". Maybe I forgot the sequence,...but I did "observe" something was not right...right?

Well, at least I made it through the 30 minutes (not including the warm up and cool down).

Memory is a tricky thing. My husband Tom died June 9, 2008 on what would have been our 35th wedding anniversary. The first time we were married way too young, had a wonderful son named Tommy and divorced. All this happened in the course of 4 years. After our Tommy died in a car accident, we reunited. I had always felt that I was "right" and Tom was "wrong" so I blamed Tom for our failed marriage. I loved him; that never changed over the years. I loved him from the moment I saw him in a Dance Club on South Side Easton when I was 19 years old. Drinking age was 21 then so my "older" friends fixed me up to look older so I could get into the club. I will never forget the first time I saw Tom. He was muscular, tan and seemed at ease with himself. The girls immediately swirled around him. He had curly brown hair, golden eyes and a cute mustache. He wore a patterned brown polyester shirt with brown polyester pants. He was gorgeous. As I looked over at him my one friend leaned over and said.."that is Tom, he is a baseball player courted by the Minor Leagues...but stay away from him he is a playboy". I was disappointed, but since he didn't seem to notice me I just shrugged it off.

Later that night I went to the cigarette machine and as I was trying to decide what brand I wanted (yes I smoked back then) I realized that Tom was leaning against the cigarette machine. I tried to ignore him. He said "I saw you walk over here and I just wanted to come over and introduce myself. I am Tom and I think you are the prettiest girl in this place..in fact I think you might be the prettiest girl I have ever seen". I immediately thought that he was a con artist..my father had warned me about guys with "lines". So I replied" My name is Noel and I think you should get your eyes checked because I think you need glasses", and I went back to my seat. As the evening wore on I noticed Tom never danced. I danced as often as I was asked (which was often). Finally Tom asked me to dance and I soon found out why he didn't dance often..he made the most awkward movements with his arms flailing and his body gyrating in the most disturbing way. I figured he must have liked me after all if he was willing to put himself through all that humiliation. We soon began dating (after he asked my dad if he could "court" me) and I was head over heals in love. We married 7 months later.

When Tom and I started talking after Tommy's death I realized that my memory was extremely selective. I remembered what I wanted to remember and "forgot" the rest. When we talked I found out that I was not the victim...I was as much to blame as Tom for the failure of our first marriage. Why hadn't we talked like this all those years ago? I wasted so much time being a victim. It was the most healing and empowering experience of my life; a true gift. I was in control and life was good (as good as it could be without Tommy).

I will always be grateful that we had those "second marriage" years where we were partners. He was a wonderful husband and a wonderful grandfather to our grandson Alex. It was a great time.

Running has the ability to make us appreciate our strengths..to realize our potential. I am not willing to let negative thinking weigh me down..that I am "too old" or "too chubby". Maybe I "forgot" to stop running at 19 minutes instead of 20, but I made it through and I am happy! I feel energized and optimistic about life. I feel in control.

When I think of my walk thought he beautiful Ken Lockwood Gorge yesterday I think of Henry David Thoreau's quote "Alas, how little does the memory of these human inhabitants enhance the beauty of the landscape". Life is beautiful; past, present and future. Life is what we make of it.